Ms. Worldwide: The International Debut

Not quite to the level of Pitbull, but I did take my shot on the international stage. It wasn’t the ultimate win, but it was a step closer to the pro stage and playing in the big leagues. 

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Chapters

• 2:23 My History in Bodybuilding
• 6:26 Before This Season of Competing
• 13:00 The Process of Competing Internationally
• 16:54 Show Day Pressures
• 24:45 Traveling Abroad Complications
• 29:11 The Typical Bodybuilding Tanning Experience
• 34:01 My First Panic Attack in Europe
• 44:12 The Energy Backstage At Nationals
• 52:23 Stepping on Stage
• 59:00 Feeling a Loss Even with the Win
• 1:05:31 Lessons Learned & Emotional Takeaways
• 1:12:14 Final Thoughts

Transcript

Hi. Hello, and welcome back to another episode of the Unrelatable podcast. I'm so sorry that last week, we did not end up having an episode. I had intended on hosting a solo traveling dedicated episode all about traveling and getting good hotels and transportation, traveling as a, you know, solo female traveler, and all the things. But, alas, it was my peak week leading into my very first international show, and it simply did not end up happening.

So that is actually what we're gonna be talking about today is my very first international bodybuilding show because we did it. We did it even amongst all of the weird little challenges that came along the way. So, yeah, let's just let's get right right into it. So let's set up the scene. This show is an international show, obviously.

I did it in Milan, Italy. But not only was it an international show, it was my very, very, very first, quote, unquote, national show. So the difference between an amateur show and a national show is that when you compete at an amateur show, which is what I did my last eight competitions. And whenever I say I've competed eight times and they're all amateur shows, for some reason, I feel kinda dumb because most people will go to the national stage after their first few shows if they've been training for a long time. So to say that I've done eight and I had still not gone to an to a national show, I kinda felt, like, almost dumb almost dumb for it, and I don't know why.

Actually, I do know why. It's because yeah. Why hadn't I gone to a national show yet? Well, typically, in order to be in order to be qualified for nationals, you have to take first place. And my first two shows well, my very first one, I took fifth place.

My second one, I took third. So, obviously, it wasn't gonna go to nationals that year. But then the next time I competed, which was I think it was about two years later, I got what did I get? Oh, let me think. I think that was the Texas one.

So I got first place in Corpus Christi, Texas. And then later on that year, I decided to do not a national show, but another amateur show because national shows are expensive, and they're typically held in larger cities. So there's never been one in Utah, so I didn't have necessarily the funds to travel outside of the state. Typically, Las Vegas is a really good option, but I would also be out in summer sales all summer long. So if it if there wasn't a show in that specific state that was nationals, it was kind of like I treated it like it was Utah, and I would only compete if there was a show in that specific state.

So then when I got home from that summer, I competed in another amateur level show because it was local. You know, it was in Salt Lake City, and I still wanted to compete. And I ended up getting second place at that show. I then took two years to build after that because I knew that I needed to build up more muscle. So then I'm trying to keep track of these shows.

So that's two four six. Okay. So then my seventh and eighth shows were when were those? They weren't last year. When were they?

They were, what, two or three years ago? They were in 2020. They were not in 2021. Were they in 2021? Let me see really quickly because I simply cannot believe that they were that long ago.

Okay. 2022. That's right. So after two and a half years, I stepped back on the amateur stage because, yes, if you take first place, you can go to nationals, but you can only go to nationals within the year. And it had been two and a half years, so I needed to requalify.

So I went and I did Wasatch Warrior, and I got fourth place, and I was devastated. I was so sad. I was so sad. And I've talked about this in my other fitness episodes before. I think maybe I have five or six episodes at this point.

So, yeah, there's lots to listen to if you have not been caught up on that. But immediately after that, I competed in my seventh show, and I got first place. That was in Reno, Nevada. I drove down there by myself with my dog, and I competed. I took first place.

And after that, I was very excited to be able to do some traveling and really just live life. I didn't have any plans to go to the national stage at that point because this was a really big turning point in bikini bodybuilding, and it's kind of when the category started getting a lot more muscular. So I knew that if I wanted to be competitive on the national level stage, I needed to build more muscle because I don't like showing up unless I think I'm gonna win. Obviously, I think a lot of people are like that, but I am even more competitive with myself that way in which if I think I'm not going to place well or win, I would rather take time off to keep improving so I have a better chance. Because at this point, I was like, okay.

If I'm gonna keep on doing this, let's put in let's put in the time to build. So that is when I took I don't know. What was it? Oh, I guess it ended up being three years. That's when I took three years to actually, technically, two and a half.

Two and a half years to really build muscle. So from 2022 to the I guess it was more so spring or beginning of summer of twenty twenty four, I built like crazy. I tracked my macros meticulously. This build was very, very, very structured. And I did end up putting on a little bit extra body fat because there there was a lot of stress in my life and a lot of hard things happening.

So there was a lot of, you know, behind the scenes stuff happening, but I had also been working this entire time, working really hard to build muscle. I also started eating salmon again, and then I started eating meat. And so having several years of really intentional building and training as to where literally, if you want to have a really successful time in bodybuilding, you have to treat the off season, the bulking season, as serious as you treat your prep. And I had never really done it to that extent or that intense before, but I knew, okay, Hannah. If you really wanna be competitive, then you've got to put in the work.

So I did. And then the bikini category during this time kept getting more and more and more big, and the muscle density became higher and higher and higher. So I've already told you guys this, but in one of my last I think it was my last competition episode, I explained this to you guys, making the switch from bikini to fit model. This was going to be my last year competing in bodybuilding, and I was just going to do one show competing in bikini, just kind of a nice finale because I had spent so many years building. I wanted to see what I had under there, and I wanted to pay for those stage shots because I've never I've never bought the the photos from the stage before.

And I just thought, you know what? Let's just go out with a bang and probably won't place at the show because, you know, I'm coming into bikini still too small. But then the fit model category was introduced. And if you wanna know more about that process and what my thoughts were about that, you can listen to my transitioning from bikini to fit model episode that I did because I don't wanna be too repetitive to those of you who've already listened to it and you already know all this stuff. But, essentially, switched to fit model, did my very first show of this year back in when did I do that?

Oh, April 6. Yep. April 6 took first place, and then I won the overall. So what did that mean? It meant that your girl could go back to nationals.

But the thing is, now I'm going to confuse you because, typically, yeah, you have to take first place to go to nationals. And once you get to nationals, everyone else that has taken first place at the amateur level, they're all at nationals, and you have to take first place out of everyone in your class at nationals. So you have to take first place out of everyone that has taken first place so far. Does that make sense? But this year is different because they've introduced this new category fit model.

If you compete at all in the fit model category, you are allowed to go to nationals no matter what placing that you took because they simply want people to participate, show up to the shows, and to have the opportunity to have people win that really represent what fit model means. Even if they didn't technically take first place at a show, maybe they train really hard for the next six months and do nationals later, so they're still gonna have a better physique. I don't know if that makes sense. Typically, that's not how it goes. Typically, you have to take first place in order to qualify to go to nationals, and so everyone you're competing at at nationals is also a first place winner, then you have to take first place in your class, and that's how you get a pro card.

Well, I took first place at my first national slash international show, but I did not get my pro card because this this was a really competitive show, and they only awarded pro cards to the overall winner. So after I took first place in my class, I then went up against the other three girls that took first place in their classes, and only one of us got the pro card. And it wasn't me. So I'm gonna talk about that and share my feelings along that. I'm gonna talk about peak week and the backstage energy, what it was like, not speaking the language, all of that.

So, yeah, if you're interested well, if you're interested, I think that you're still listening. And if you're not, then you're not listening. So whatever. I'll just keep going. So traveling to Italy was not too difficult.

Adjusting to this time zone was not difficult because I live in Albania right now, as you know. But what you do really have to be careful of is you're really trying to still keep your body dialed in while literally hauling your suitcases with your heels, your glam, your jewelry, your meal prep, and your supplements. So you're trying to get good sleep. You then have to find a gym once you're there. And it is really crazy because you wanna hear how much how much money my taxi was from the airport to the hotel that I stayed at.

Oh, in my mind, I was thinking, okay. Maybe 40 to €50, which, you know, 65 I would say 55 to $70.70 US dollars is what that would potentially translate to. I don't know. I'm guesstimating. But, no, I walk out of this airport, and the first thing that I see is that the taxis start at a €140.

Yeah. I paid a €140 to get to my hotel, and then I paid a €140 to get from my hotel back to the airport. Yeah. And then entering this competition, one category was I think it was $265, which is insane. Insane.

I mean, at the amateur on the amateur stage, you're paying anywhere from $90 a class to a 150. So, oh my goodness, like, $265. And then you're paying, I don't know, a $100. Maybe it was $1.50. No.

It was a 130. You're paying a €130. Sorry. Because everything's in euros over here. You're paying a €130 for the tan and then a €100 for the makeup.

So that's why I do my own hair because I'm like, okay. I can at least do my own hair. And then, of course, you're preparing all your meals. And I showed you I showed you guys all of that on my Instagram story what what I was prepping. But, essentially, I just prepped, what was it, 50 ounces of sweet potatoes and then 29 or 30 ounces of chicken.

And And then I had rice cakes, honey, peanut butter, and salt, and a few other snacks to eat. So, yeah, you're hauling all of this through the airport. You're hoping that your suitcase makes it with you because my coach actually had an experience at her last show where her suitcase got lost. So she showed up to show day and had to borrow a bikini, had to borrow heels, had to borrow everything, and, oh my gosh, could you imagine how stressful that would be? So I did pack my suit in my carry on because I was thinking, you know what?

Yeah. Might have to find or borrow somebody's heels because not everything was gonna fit my carry on. But I'm keeping my suit on me just in case something crazy like that happens. But I checked my bag, and I checked it with my with my meal prep, which I had frozen and put in a plastic container. And yeah.

So I arrive in Italy. I take my magnificent €140 taxi ride from the airport to my hotel, and the hotel was so nice. I walk into the hotel. I get to my room, and I felt so relaxed. And this was really, really, really nice for me.

I when I'm around a lot of people, especially the buzz of the competition, sometimes it can make me feel a little bit anxious because I I don't know. I don't know what it is. So when I can kind of be more on my own or more one on one or with just a few people, usually, I can keep myself a lot more calm and not as nervous. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's that I want to make everybody around me proud, so I put a lot of pressure on myself.

But if I'm showing up to a competition on my own, for example, my first competition this year, I didn't invite any friends or family. I just went on my own, and I did it myself. And luckily, I had one of my coaches there, so that was really nice. But I don't know. I think that this year, I'm doing a lot of things on my own, and it's been really good for me and really fulfilling.

And I just I like it. So I got to my hotel room. I was feeling really good, and that's when I when I decided, okay, Hannah. Let's go get in our last workout. My last workout is supposed to be a full body workout and then twenty five or thirty minutes of cardio.

So I head down to the lobby, and I'm like, hey. So I'm just looking for your gym. And he looks at me and smiles, and he's like, unfortunately, our gym is under maintenance. And I was like, there's what? You're hosting a bodybuilding show this weekend, and your gym is under maintenance?

There's absolutely no way, but respect. I, you know, respect. I would also close my hotel gym if I knew that a bunch of bodybuilders were coming to compete that weekend because it would be a mess. And they'd probably get tan everywhere, and it would probably just be it would probably just be chaotic. So I walked out the door, searched up a gym on my phone, and walked about twenty five minutes to this random gym where I then went and paid €28 for a single day pass for for thirty minutes of cardio and thirty minutes of lifting.

I had to pay €28. I just kept getting blown away at the cost of things because for some reason in my mind, I'm thinking, okay. Switzerland is, you know, the most expensive country I've ever been. So in my mind, nothing should be at that level. But so far, Milan, Italy is definitely is definitely still up there.

So I work out. It's such a good workout for no other reason than I am so excited to be here. I'm so excited to be in Milan. I've never been there before. And, yeah, drove straight to my hotel, so I haven't technically seen anything.

But just the energy of being somewhere new, oh, I thrive on that so much. So I was I was feeling good. So after my lift, I walked back, ate my food, and went to bed. Super exciting. Right?

Like, sorry. This is probably really boring so far, but don't worry. We're getting we're getting to some exciting stuff. So then the next day, I basically spend it relaxing. I try to get in some steps, of course, but the thing about competing is when you're traveling for a competition, you wanna make sure you get there a day or potentially two days ahead of time.

Because when you fly, all of the blood collects in your legs. I don't know if you've ever noticed or have gotten swollen ankles or feet or legs, but that always happens when you fly. And the degree of which it happens just depends on the length of your flight and such. So my flight was only a few hours long, but I did still wear compression socks. And if you don't do this, wear compression socks when you fly.

It makes a world of a difference. It makes you feel so much better, and I know that that sounds crazy. Believe me. I know. But it does make a difference.

So I was trying to kinda stay off my feet as much as I could, but still, you know, walk around the hotel, walk around outside, make sure I'm getting some vitamin d. But I end up going to my check ins, and, oh, wait. I skipped I skipped so much. Okay. This was the problem.

This was the problem right here. I underpacked so much. So when I went to the gym the day before, I wasn't going to wear my t shirt throughout my workout. I was just going to wear it down to the lobby, get to the gym, take off my shirt, work out in my sports bra and shorts, and then head back up to my hotel room. Because the t shirt that I brought was specifically to wear after I got my show show day spray tan, my very first one.

But because I had to walk almost thirty minutes each way, I ended up getting sweaty. So this T shirt is definitely not in the running to wear the next day. So I end up deciding that I'm gonna go shopping, but I want to go to the easiest place possible. So I end up taking this route, and I arrive at this at the train station. Okay.

It's only about a six minute walk from the hotel. I arrive at the train station. I haven't bought a ticket yet. I'm kinda just YOLO ing it, and I haven't said that word in so many years, but bringing it back right now. Because sometimes that's what I do when I travel is I just I just arrive and hope for the best.

And so, yeah, I get on the train. Luckily, I take luckily, I take the right train. I have to switch trains a few times, but I get there. I get to this little shop, and I'm able to buy a long sleeve, which is perfect. I'm able to buy deodorant and lip gloss because I forgot my lip gloss.

And you have to have lip products when you compete because, long story short, my show, I think it was Wasatch Warrior. I don't remember if it was that one or the one before. But one of them, my lip products had worn off, and it'll almost make you look like you don't have lips on your face if you don't have lip like, actual lipstick that you're putting on because of the stage lights and your tan. So, anyways, long story short, I was able to grab a nice long sleeve to put my to put on after my tan, some lip products, and then, of course, I found a few other things. I bought a bag to use the day of my show because I didn't bring a bag with me, and then I bought some low rise, baggy, black jeans.

And they're so cute, and I just had to tell you that because I think they were only €30, which isn't too bad for a perfectly well fitting pair of jeans. But this is where I messed up is when I put into my Google Maps maybe I should explain this in my traveling episode, but I guess I'll just tell you right now. When I put the hotel into my Google Maps, the train symbol, the metro symbol, and the bus symbol, they all look very similar, and I accidentally chose the route that was putting me on a freaking bus as my as my second connection. So I get off of the train at the station. I walk up to the top, and I'm like, well, great.

Where am I? This is this is not the same route that I took on the way to the store, and I end up being at a bus stop. I'm only one mile away from the hotel. But, of course, it's a twenty five minute walk, and I can't be walking this much in the heat. It's literally 95 degrees already.

I can't be walking that much in the heat when I have my my show coming up literally the next day. So what do I do? I get a taxi for €20 because I just love flushing money down the toilet apparently on this trip. I swear to you, Yeah. There's just some things that I've had to realize I can't control.

And if I'm if I'm already somewhere and I'm stranded, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? I did this in Geneva, Switzerland a few weeks ago. I had arrived in Geneva at, like, 11:30PM, and I was gonna have to wait forty five minutes for the next bus. Or or I could pay €25 for a taxi to take me two miles.

And it's like, at that point, especially as a as a solo female traveler, it's gonna be safer to spend the money and get the taxi and to take you to take you right to the hotel. So I just try to remain flexible in my thought process instead of, like, oh, Hannah, you're so dumb. Why didn't you think of that? Because that's usually what I would resort to is, no. You gotta save money, so let's risk your safety instead because your life is not worth twenty five years or, you know, resorting to guilt tripping myself of how could I make this mistake.

But, anyways, I get back to the hotel and do my athlete check ins. And the athlete check ins were a bit confusing because nobody really spoke any English. I mean, they were able to get me my get me checked in and tell me my height and whatnot. But as I continued on and I paid for the photography, that went well. But I get to the tanning desk, and they're able to, you know, take my payment, tell me what time I need to come, and then they ask to see my receipt on my phone when I booked it online because I technically didn't pay anything when I booked it online because it didn't give you an option.

They wanted you to pay cash when you got there. But I did reserve my makeup and my tan at the same time. So I show them my receipt. They look at it, and they say, okay. This is the time that you come here tomorrow.

And it says 11:30. And I think, oh, wow. That's so nice. Because, usually, I get my makeup done much earlier in the morning. I I don't know.

Anywhere from six to honestly, one time I got my makeup done at 04:00. So anywhere from 4AM to 7AM is usually when you get your makeup done. So I thought, oh my gosh. 11:30? I am in heaven.

Yep. I'm sure you could imagine this was a mistake, and I did not realize that. And at this time, it's, I don't know, 05:30, 6PM. And my first layer of tan is at seven. So I go get my first layer of tan.

I think I've told you this before, but when you get your bodybuilding tan, everybody is naked openly in one room. Everybody. And you're just all standing there in the nude, and it's very normal. I mean, it's very not normal, but it's just how it goes with bodybuilding shows because there's hundreds of competitors. So you're all just standing there naked, drying off for, I don't know, ten, fifteen minutes because they're putting a lot on you.

It's a different kind of solution and all the things. And at this show, they had men tanning as well. I prefer to be tanned by a woman when I'm completely naked. I don't know. Just a personal preference.

But they did have two guys back there. And I just have to remember, they see this all the time. They're probably so desensitized to seeing titties and vagina that whatever. What am I gonna do? Like, go home?

Yeah. So that was that was interesting again. And that's the thing is, like, you'd think I'd be used to this. This is my ninth show. Never used to it.

Never used to it. It's just it's funny. It's it's funny. Luckily, though, this show was different in which we had a lot more space to dry off. Oh my gosh.

At one of my last shows, there were so many girls getting tanned at the same time in such a small space. You barely had a room to, like, have your arms not laying against your body. That's how close we all were to each other. And so it makes it really difficult not to make eye contact when, like, your breath is almost in someone's face, and you're all just naked. Anyways, yeah, got my tan, go to my room, eat my last few meals.

I am relaxing. I'm having a good old time. Just I'm vibing. I'm listening to the best music. I've already listened to my winners playlist.

Now I'm listening to to some calm stuff, and I then realized as I'm getting ready for bed at the ripe time of 10PM that you know what? It's kinda strange that my makeup is gonna be at 11:30 in the morning. If stage time is what we're thinking, gonna be around, I don't know, 1PM, it's a little weird that my makeup wouldn't be till 11:30. So then I email them, and I'm like, hey. I just wanted to make sure that I have the right time on here because I was told 11:30.

And they said, oh, yeah. That's just for the tan. Did you stop by the makeup desk? And I thought, there there was literally I went in the clock you know, I went around the tables clockwise, and I was not I didn't see anyone for makeup. I showed my receipt.

Nobody asked me for the makeup, and I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out because I don't know how to do the makeup. I didn't bring the makeup. And you might be thinking, Hannah, it's just makeup. You can watch a YouTube video.

The thing is is the shades that you have to use, you can't just layer on a whole bunch of a light shade of makeup. It's very specific to the spray tan. You have to match your spray tan. And so it's very dark colors, and they're all MAC. I think they're all MAC products because MAC has really good super dark colors that you use for the show.

I don't know. I don't have them. That's all that I know. So I start freaking out, and I start telling myself, like, Hannah, you're just fine. You're just fine.

But I kinda start losing my mind and start freaking out. And I'm just I'm emailing them, and they're telling me, sorry. The IFBB in Italy, They have their own pro team, so I'm trying to get their email. But they don't have their email, so they send me the promoter's email. And the promoter tells me, the promoter of the show, she says, Hannah, I just promote the show.

I don't have that information. And I'm thinking, nobody wants to help me. And I haven't cried or anything at this point. I just I've I have so much panic in my heart and in my soul because I'm thinking, okay. I flew all this way.

I've been preparing for this for the last, you know, nine years of my life, my very first national show, and I'm just not gonna have my makeup done. This is simply not an option. Like, I can't compete if I don't have this done. So, luckily, I I had a friend call me, and they talked me off the ledge. So that was really nice to have that because I was spiraling, and I was ready to go float myself down a river to never emerge again.

Actually, it wouldn't have been a river. It would have had to have been the canal because there's not a river in Milan. There's only a canal. But, anyways, you get the point. I was ready to float myself down the river and never be seen again.

But, alas, I figured it out. And I thought, okay. I'm just gonna go at six in the morning to where they say the makeup is, and I'm just gonna explain the situation and ask them if they have any appointments left. So I go to bed at the ripe time of twelve in the morning because that's the time that I'm finally able to calm down, and I don't sleep well at all. I basically just lay there and try to breathe.

I do end up eventually falling asleep and then waking up, of course, super early. So I wake up at 05:30, make sure that I eat, head down, and they're not there yet. So I lay back down for about forty five minutes, and I head down again. And they're like, oh, hi. Did you reserve with us?

And I said, no. So I went and I paid for my tan, but they didn't they didn't point me in your guys' direction. I didn't know where you were. And they're like, oh, we were at the same table. But the problem was is they spoke Italian, the people I showed my phone to.

So I'm assuming they don't read English, which is fine. I can't read Italian. Whatever. So how were they supposed to see that on my reservation, it also said makeup so that I was supposed to be referred to the makeup people because nobody was speaking English. In fact, when I was at the tanning place giving them my cash, I asked them, do I need to bring this card that you gave me and show them at tanning?

Basically asking, you know, because they gave me this card saying the time. And they said, this is the time that your first one is tonight, and this is the time that your second one is tomorrow. So then I said, okay. Do I need to bring this card with me to get my tan tomorrow? Basically, as a receipt?

And they couldn't understand what I was saying because they had essentially just learned what they needed to say in English for people that spoke English to them. So they weren't able to help me with that. So I'm making the assumption that they couldn't read my receipt. Anyways, I didn't say all that. I just asked them if they had an available appointment, and, alas, they did.

So they told me to come back at 09:30, and my heart was so happy to hear this because your girl needed sleep. So I went back, and I slept for about I didn't actually sleep. I just laid there with my eyes closed because my mind was not allowing me to sleep. So I laid there and woke up, technically, and went and got my makeup done. And at this point, this is when this is when the things just keep getting really interesting because I have never had worse makeup done in my entire life.

And I and the thing is is this is an extremely talented makeup artist. This makeup artist, first of all, she's gorgeous. She's so kind. She's so nice. Love love her.

She's amazing. And she's sharing with me how she does Milan's fashion week, and she's done Paris fashion week. This girl is legit. She's amazing. So as she's doing my makeup, I am just sitting there thinking, oh my gosh.

I am just I'm so lucky. I cannot believe that this woman is doing my makeup. I can't wait to tell my podcast listeners. I can't wait to tell you guys that someone that does Paris fashion Paris Fashion Week did my show day makeup. How cool is that?

So then she hands me my mirror or a mirror after she's done doing my makeup, and I look and I'm like, oh, like, there's almost a little bit of a jump scare. And I'm thinking, why why is there, like, black all over my face? But you know me. You know me. I what I'm not gonna do is tell someone how I truly feel if I'm disappointed.

So I say, oh my gosh. I love it. And she says, really? You do? And I'm thinking, why are you doubting?

Why are you so doubtful as well? Girl, if you see something, say something. If you don't think I look good, don't let me walk out these doors. Please don't let me walk out these doors. And I'm like, yeah.

Because, of course, it's my responsibility. And I and I'm not being sarcastic. It literally but how do you tell somebody that you hate their work that they did on their own on your face? I don't know. But, essentially, I leave.

I go back to my room, grab her a tip because I forgot to bring a tip. The first time I tip her, I get to my room and I'm thinking I actually just start laughing out loud because at this point, I can't complain. I don't know how to do stage makeup. So what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?

So I sit there, and I meticulously or carefully pick off every little black thing that's on my face, what I'm guessing happened because it was so cakey only on the left side of my face. And I remember thinking, this is interesting. She keeps adding more and more product on the left side of my face. So I wonder if she accidentally smeared something and then just kept layering product after product. But I was scraping, like, layers of makeup off of the left side of my face as well as a lot of black speckles.

And I was just laughing the whole time because it's like, I was just so grateful to have been able to get my makeup done, and I was talking to my to my friend about this, and they had a really good purse perspective. They were like, you know what, Hannah? If you hadn't have had the stress the night before where you were calling me because I did end up crying, like, probably 10 tears. It wasn't that dramatic. But I was it was more so just okay.

I have not cried since I moved to Europe. Not from stress, not from the anxieties of moving or being alone or anything like that. Alright? But that finding out that I didn't actually have a makeup reservation for my show, for some reason, that was, like that did it for me where I silently cried literally probably just 10 tears because I was so overwhelmed. And, thankfully, yeah, I was able to talk to this friend of mine, and they were like, yeah, Hannah.

Your life is not stressful at all. I don't know why you would ever be stressed, and you just have picked a really normal, calm, easygoing life to live right now. Like, anyways, they they really validated the fact that, you know what? What I've been doing the past few months is crazy, and it's okay for me to feel anxious and to cry about it and to just, like, release that energy. Because for some reason, I just I haven't felt that at all, but it all built up when I realized that I was going to have to float myself down the river because I didn't have anyone to do my makeup.

Anyways, they also we were talking the next day, and they gave me the perspective. They were like they were like, honestly, if you hadn't have had that happen the night before, you'd probably be way more upset about your makeup right now. But instead, you're you're still grateful and happy. And it's true. I could not complain.

It just made me realize that it's time for me to learn how to do my own makeup. That's what that now I think going on 13 story about my makeup has taught me is I'm going to learn how to do stage makeup because this is not the last time I'm going to compete. And I have a very high standard of what I want my makeup to look like because my very first show this year, I had the most incredible experience getting my makeup done that I've ever had. And since then, I've been a little bit disappointed. So time for me to do it myself because I can't complain if I'm not doing it myself.

You know what I mean? I I have to be grateful no matter what because I don't have the skills, so it's whatever. Okay. So get my makeup done. I go and I head to get my second layer of tanning.

I bring all my stuff with me because it is time to go and camp out backstage. And there's so much electricity in the air backstage. Whole leak out, especially on an international level. Because I'm looking around, and these competitors are legit. They're huge.

Like, the guys that were competing at this show, all of every other category that was there, they every single person in that room had previously taken first place at a show this year, And they were all there, of course, competing against each other to hopefully take first place and win their pro card. So everybody looked insane. And you have competitors from literally all over the world speaking different languages, hundreds I I I wanna say hundreds of different languages. Who knows if it was hundreds? But there's so many people representing different countries, speaking different languages, talking to their coaches, FaceTiming their coaches.

Some of their coaches are there, and the thing is is that we're all chasing the same thing. We are all there to get our pro card. And it's oddly, like, unifying and kind of surreal because, you know, I'm standing there while I'm getting my second layer of tan, and someone from Germany is, you know, standing next to me, talking to their coach, getting pumped up. And it's, like, next to them is someone from Spain with their boyfriend there, like, helping them get ready. And I don't know.

It's just a lot. I just remember looking around and thinking, this is like, Hannah, you you did it. Even if you don't, even if you go home with nothing, like, this is what leveling up feels like. And it's not it's not just like the competition itself, but the actual energy because you can feel people are there to win. Every single person in that room is a first has already won first place.

There are they've already been the best, and now they're trying to be the best of the best and get their pro card so that then they can compete at the pro level. And once you're able to compete at the pro level and you take first place at a pro show, then you get your ticket to go to the Olympia and to the Arnold. And those two shows are the most famous and most well known ones in the world. I'm sure if you don't know anything about bodybuilding, you you've still heard of the Olympia. You still have heard of the Arnold, and that is, of course, every competitor who competes a lot.

It's your dream to go and compete at those two shows or one of the two shows. It's my dream. I would love to compete at one of those. So, yeah, it's just it's it's crazy because you you can feel everybody there is there to win and not just to try, not just to, you know, see what happens, but to actually go for it. And that mindset is just so inspiring.

And yeah, so then it's time to compete. Right? And the diff the difficult thing about competing is that you never know what time you're actually gonna go on stage. So you kinda just have to guess. But the thing about guessing is that you're trying to eat your your last meal twenty to thirty minutes, maybe thirty to forty minutes before you step on the stage because that's gonna help you fill out your muscles to the degree in which you need them to be filled out for when you're going on stage.

So you're basically guessing when that's gonna be, and we had guessed that I'd be on around one. Well, one came and it went, and so did two and so did three. And finally, at 03:30, it's time. It's go time. So I eat my last meal.

I had luckily been hanging out by this girl who was from Pompeii. Pompeii? Why did that sound so weird coming out of my mouth? She didn't speak English. So we had been using Google Translate to get to know each other.

And the funny thing about being backstage at a show is remember how I told you you don't wanna be, like, standing and walking around a whole bunch? So everyone brings blankets or towels or yoga mats, and everyone's laying down with their feet up, either up on the bags or up on the wall. Then everyone's, you know, of course, eating their snacks and getting pumped up and such. So you can kinda imagine the scene. A bunch of people just lying down on the ground with their blankets or whatever.

Everybody's, like, almost nude. You know? You're either in a bikini or you're a man in a thong or something like really short board shorts. And, obviously, when you're in a bikini or whatever, you can have like, some people would have t big, long T shirts on, or they would have their their ropes on. It's pretty typical to have a robe that's just more comfortable that way.

I don't know. You don't have to have your booty out the entire time. I don't know. Anyways, so, finally, it's time to go. So I start getting pumped up, and I head backstage.

And they're just speaking in Italian, like, the whole time. And it was very difficult for me to figure out when I was actually gonna go on stage because every time I would go up and ask the the woman who who were in charge of glazing you, basically, oiling you up, I had to use Google Translate because they didn't understand me, and I was just trying to figure out, okay, when do I need to come and get my tan fixed? Like, my last layer on, when do I need to get glazed? And it was just so difficult to communicate. So then I would just go, like, lie down on my blanket and put my feet up and just think, you know what?

I'll eventually hear the words fit model. Won't I? Like, it'll eventually happen. I'll eventually hear the words fit model, and then I will know that it's time for me to go. So that's basically what I did.

So it's a lot of just kind of guesswork when you're competing internationally and in a place that you don't know. Like, I literally had no idea what was going on most of the experience, which really makes it so that you just have to relinquish all all control. Right? And in in a sport in which you control everything. So it's really funny because, yeah, you're in the sport where you you're controlling your water intake, your macros, your workouts.

And at this point, peak week, it's very, very, very strategic and all these things. And then you get to show day, and it's like nothing is in control at all. And it's just it's just hilarious. So yeah. Anyways, I eventually get lined up, and they, walk us out onto the stage.

And, yeah, it's go time. And when you hit the stage, there's this split second where the lights are, like, blinding you. And then your brain clicks in it. It's like, okay. Yeah.

That's right. We're doing this. And muscle memory kicks in, and you hit your poses. You make eye contact with the judges, and you try to remember everything that you're doing. You try to have the confidence.

You try to have the presence and the power all while you're flexing literally every muscle and holding your breath and smiling as if you're, like, eating the best brunch of your life and not holding your breath. And then it's over, all within about fifteen to twenty seconds. And you get off stage, and then you come back with your class. And when I say class, it's your height class for women. So you're separated into different height classes because you can't compare a woman who's five feet tall to a physique of a woman who's, like, five foot nine.

It's just it's extremely difficult to do that. I mean, actually, you technically can do that because that's what you have to do when you're pro. But, essentially, when you're I mean, sorry, when you're going for for the overall. But, essentially, you get compared to the same height groups. So I was in class d, which is always the tallest one, anyone over five six.

And so, yeah, after I did my individual routine, everyone else in my class came out and comparisons were made. So you essentially stand in your front pose until they tell you to move to your back pose. And then sometimes they'll switch you back and forth, back to front, back to back. When you're in your back post, sometimes they'll ask you to walk to the back of the stage and then to turn around and walk back. And that's because they're looking for muscle definition, and they wanna see that it's not just posing, that you still have it as I mean, you're technically posing while you're walking as well.

But, yeah, anyways, comparisons are made, and then you get shuffle off and you wait. And then they bring you back right back on about, I don't know, five to ten minutes later. Because at the national show, thankfully, at least at this one, they awarded the winners right after comparisons. Whereas sometimes at other shows, you'll have finals later that night, so you don't find out if you win until three or four hours later. But this show was different in which you got to find out almost right after getting on stage, which is really nice.

So when they announced the results and you're standing up there and I was the last person called up, which means that I got first, I was obviously really excited and really happy, but the pressure didn't it didn't leave, and the satisfaction didn't happen because I still had to go for the overall, which is different than a lot of the competitions in The US. So a lot of the competitions, a lot of the national shows in The US, if you win your class, you're pro, and you've won your pro card. But like I mentioned earlier, this international competition, it was only the overall winner gets a pro card. So when I took first place, it was there was not an ounce of satisfaction. It was more like, okay.

Now this is it. Like, I really, really, really need to do well. So I get pulled back on stage with the other three women who took first place in their classes. And we then get we then get the, comparisons done. And that's where, like, the huge emotional complexity of the whole thing came in for me because, yeah, that's that's when you're battling it out for the overall.

That's when the pro card is awarded, and I didn't get it. And, you know, you stand up there with the other class winners, and you give it everything that you have in those final comparisons. But when they announced the winner and it wasn't me, there's just, like, no way to sugarcoat that moment. I was just so disappointed. Even if you're proud, even I don't know.

I it's like, I I was actually so happy for her because I had talked to her maybe five minutes before we all went on to compete against each other. And she was so nice. She's from Hungary, and she spoke English. And I told her, I was like, oh my gosh. You're the first person that I've been able to talk like, speak English to today.

And she was like, my English isn't good. And I said, no. It's amazing. I I'm just so happy to be able to talk to somebody today because I don't speak any other language. And oftentimes, you know, obviously, as you know, English is the world's language.

So someone from Hungary and someone from Spain, if they're trying to communicate, they're gonna have to speak English to each other. And so a lot of people do learn English, especially younger generations, except for freaking Italians. They want to speak Italian, and they don't wanna speak English. So there were hardly any Italians that I mean, there was not a single person, like I said, that I had spoken English to consistently that day until that girl, and she was so nice and so kind. And then she went up with her class.

She took first. And I thought, oh my goodness. Okay. I'm gonna have to compete against her if if I take first place. And she won the overall, and she was so sweet.

But, anyways, once I got my medal and walked off the stage and, of course, you know, they're they they've announced that she's won, and she's taking her pictures. I got to my hotel room, and it didn't even occur to me that I took first place. It just I just felt such a big tug of disappointment. Like, I was so close. I was so close.

And for about five minutes, I was just I was like, why am I even doing this? Like, this is so frustrating. When is it gonna happen? For literally about five minutes. And I didn't cry.

I didn't really spiral or anything. I just kinda questioned if I belonged. Like, do I even belong in this sport? Because this time, I had felt so confident. I was like, it's going to happen.

You but you kind of have to. You kinda have to have that confidence because you're not gonna show up and do your best and look like a winner if you don't believe you're going to win. You you literally have to fake it until you make it because you have to believe in yourself because people can see it on your face. It's not like you're performing. It's not like you're doing a sport, and it's a skill in which, you know, you have to make sure you shoot a goal or something.

And if you have an upset look on your face, it doesn't matter because you still shot the goal or this or that. But it's they see it on your face, and you wear your confidence in the way that you walk and the way that you pose. So you have to show up literally as the winner that you believe that you are. So then when you don't win, you're like, okay. What do I even belong here?

You know what I mean? Do I belong on the stage? Do I belong in the sport? And I felt that way for literally five minutes. And then I looked in the mirror, and I said, Hannah, pull yourself together.

Be proud of yourself, and let's just freaking go out and have a good evening. Like, you're leaving Milan tomorrow. You haven't seen anything yet. Let's just just relax. Bring your medal with you.

Let's go take some pictures. So, yeah, snap myself out of it. And I started to feel proud of myself because I realized, wait a minute. Wait a minute, Hannah. You you still got first place.

Like, you still won your class. You're fine. You're gonna do this again. There's more opportunities. There's always more opportunities.

It's gonna be okay. So, yeah, I didn't get the card, but I didn't leave empty handed. And I think that that's one thing that we don't always talk about. You know, you can win, but still not get what you're hoping for. And that's just such a weird emotional space to sit in.

Because when people hear, like, yes. I won my class, they're gonna assume that you're elated. But you're still I I mean, and most people are going to be. But I think I can be hard on myself because I'm like, well, this is my ninth show. I should have it down by this point.

Why don't I have it down at this point? But then I have to remember, you know what, Hannah? You've you've been going through a lot. You've also changed categories. This is also your first time competing on a national stage, and you're doing it internationally where you don't speak the language.

You're by yourself. In fact, when I was backstage, I would I didn't see a single other competitor. I'm sure there was one. But there wasn't a single other competitor that didn't have either their coach there, a family member, or a friend. I was quite literally the only person that was completely on their own.

And it was, yeah, it was crazy. And I actually had that girl that was, that was next to me, and she was asking me. She was like, where's your team at? Do you have your team here? And I was like, no.

I'm here on my own. And she said, you're here all by yourself? And I was like, yeah. Like, it's it's just yep. I'm here all by all by myself.

So it's like you're you're handling a lot. You know what I mean? And but you're still wondering if you I don't know. There there's just a lot of thoughts going on. But I was, you know, honestly, just processing the gap between where I am and where I wanna be.

And it's not any sort of, like, bitterness or, like, being a sore loser. It's more like just the longing and the hunger to get that just rolled into one. And I feel like what this show taught me is that the hunger for more, but also the pride and being proud of yourself, they can coexist. You can be so deeply and truly proud of what you did and still want more, and that doesn't make you ungrateful. It just makes you human, and it makes you honestly, I don't wanna say, like, that makes you, like, an athlete, but it it is it is competition.

It it that is what makes you a competitor. And one of the biggest lessons that I've had to learn for myself is learning how to be proud in just progress and not just in winning because not every single stage is going to be a win. Some of it some of them are gonna be meant to test you and to stretch you and to prepare you, but, honestly, this show just felt like it felt like preparation. It felt like another stepping stone. And, yeah, not in the sense that I wasn't ready, but in the sense that, yeah, it's a stepping stone.

It's a checkpoint saying you're on the right path. Just keep going. Because at the end of the day, the girl who beat me deserved to beat me. She had better posing. Her glutes were better than mine, and her confidence is way higher.

I know that I didn't do my best, and I honestly don't want to be rewarded until I step on stage and can 100% say, yeah. I am 100% proud of what I did, and I deserved the pro card. So, yeah, that's essentially how I'm processing that one. And it also reminds me that not one single moment defines you. Not the win, not the loss, and not the in between.

Because, you know, I won my first show of the year, and then I lost my second show. You know, I got second place. And then this one feels like an in in in between. It doesn't feel like I won, but I know I didn't lose. You know what I mean?

Like, I still won first technically, but I lost the pro card. So it's kind of like an in between, but I know that the real definition of this journey in bodybuilding is just by how we respond to these moments because I walked off that stage in Italy. I walked out of it well, I guess I technically flew. I flew out of Italy with my shoulders back and my head high because I really am proud of myself. And, again, I didn't feel that pride until I ended up leaving my hotel room that evening, and I didn't have a plan.

I just I wore cute little green dress, and I thought, you know what? I'm gonna ask a stranger to take a picture of me with my medal because I do deserve to be proud of this win. Because not necessarily even because I got first, but just because I did something so freaking hard in another country all by myself. And wow. Why am I getting emotional?

Oh, that's so annoying. But, yeah, I think I'm just I realized that I was proud of myself because not because I got everything I wanted, because I didn't, but because I showed up 110% to the capacity that I could. And there's a piece in that that no, you know, pro card or whatever can replace. And so, yeah, that's kind of, like, what this show taught me, you know, mentally and emotionally. And physically, yeah, I need to build up my glutes.

Physically, I need to work on my posing. I would say those two things. I need to as soon as I get those two things down, I'll be able to go pro. I'll get it. It's not if, but when.

Right? But, yeah, just kind of handling the gap between being so close, but it's not my time yet. I'm respecting that, and I know that if if I want it, it's there. Like, it's mine. I you just have to make the choice of continuing forward or or not.

You know what I'm saying? So, yeah, I basically wrap to wrap that up, I would love to do another national show or, I guess, international show. I just want to know that I am doing my best. So my posing needs work, in my opinion, because I did something really weird where there's this thing where you don't wanna drop your glutes while you're posing. So when your glutes are up in your back pose, you wanna make sure that while you're transitioning back to your front pose, that they stay up.

And for some reason, I kept dropping mine, which I don't do when I pose and when I send my posing videos to my coaches. So it's just this weird thing that I do on stage. So, obviously, muscle memory or something like that needs to be worked on. So that's why I'm saying that my posing needs to be worked on. So, yeah, there's there's some things that there's always some things that you can that you can, work on and that you can just make a lot better.

And so, yeah, I didn't get my pro card, but I have a lot of gratitude for the entire experience. Because when I did go into the city and into Milan and to the beautiful cathedral, I heard this girl speaking English, and I literally was gonna freak out because I was like, oh my gosh. Another person that speaks English. That makes two today. And this one, I could tell she's from America.

She had a Boston accent. And so I she's talking on the phone or I think she was actually FaceTiming someone. And I said, hey, girl. I'm so sorry to interrupt you, but do you mind taking a photo for me? And she was like, oh, no.

Not at all. Not at all. And after she took some photos for me, she's like, what are you doing tonight? And I said, oh, nothing. I I just got here, like, to the city this evening.

I haven't done anything. And she's like, oh, do you wanna hang out? And I was like, yeah. Do you wanna get dinner? I'm starving.

And she said, yeah. Yeah. Let's do it. So we literally, like, hung out the rest of the night and got food. The the guy that she had traveled with was just back at the hotel, didn't wanna do anything.

So we then made friends with another girl who asked us to take her picture, and she brought bubbles. And it was so adorable. She had us take pictures of her, and she was, like, playing with these bubbles. And she ended up being this cutie influencer from China, And we ended up all hanging out, and then she let us take pictures with her bubbles. And it was just the most, like, wholesome and fun evening ever.

And they hyped me up so much. And I just have to remember, like, I'm used like, I'm surrounded by a lot of other competitors and a lot of people in the bodybuilding world. So this is very, like, it's very normal to just be like, okay. Yep. On to the next thing.

On to the next show. You're gonna get your card. Like, you got this. Whatever. But then I have to remember, like, it is kind of a cool thing.

Right? Not not everybody does it. I'm just surrounded by a lot of people who do do it, so it doesn't seem like that big of an accomplishment. So it is it is good. You know?

It it's good to still let yourself feel accomplished even when you don't get exactly get exactly what you want. Because, you know, final thoughts for the episode because I know this is getting long. I, yeah, I got first in my class, but not my pro card, but that's okay because I competed for the first time internationally. And I think that that's just such a cool thing that I should be proud of. So that's the mindset that I'm gonna have.

And, yeah, I really appreciate anyone and everyone who has sent a nice text and DM and commented and and liked and everything. I just want you to know, like, it it means the world to me. I read those comments, like, 10 times over, and I haven't been able to respond to all my DMs yet. But I just it really does it really does mean a lot to me, and it really does. And I just want you to know that.

Even if I even if you've already done it the last three competitions, like, it means so much every single time. It's never repetitive. It just it means a lot. And even though I'm alone out here, living out here in Albania, even though I'm alone at my shows and doing a lot of things in my life by myself right now, I do not feel lonely. And that is because I have so such a good support system and because I don't know.

You guys are just really great, and I mean that. And I just really appreciate it. I appreciate every little thing. And I know that this was not the most structured episode because if I'm being honest with you, it is Wednesday, July 2 at 02:04 in the morning. But what am I doing up at this time?

Well, I leave to Spain this evening, and I don't have time to record before or after work today. So I'm technically, it's, like, Tuesday night. Right? So I'm recording this tonight because I wanted I didn't wanna skip another week. And I just got home, like, a day and a half ago and didn't have the chance to do it before that.

So, anyways, sorry if this episode is a little bit less structured and a little bit more crazy, and my brain is probably a bit more tired than normal. But yeah. Anyways, you are the best. I appreciate you lots. And just know that even if you don't win or even if you do win and it's still not the type of win that you wanted, there's always more.

And there's also still space for you to be proud of what you have done even if you haven't actually accomplished everything that you've set out for. I don't know why us as humans are why we have such high expectations of ourselves. Why do we do that? I don't know. Maybe because it I don't know.

It gives you something to live for. You know? It gives you something exciting to shoot for. And as long as, you know, it's a healthy type of situation and a healthy type of goal and and whatnot, I don't know. It's just it is crazy.

It's wild what we put ourselves through and the things that we choose to do in life. And I say that in regards to everything. You know? If you're studying to get your PhD or if you're really, really, really shooting for some high goals in your career or if you're having a baby, literally, so many things in life. It's just crazy.

So I hope that you're feeling proud of yourself today because you you deserve to. You deserve to. And if you don't, sit down with a piece of paper and write down all the things that you think your older sibling or younger sibling or grandma or grandpa or parent or your best friend would say that they're proud of you for. Okay? Well, now that we're an hour and seventeen minutes in, time for me to go.

I hope that you have a wonderful rest of your day. I'm gonna go to bed, and I will talk to you guys very, very, very soon. Thank you so much for listening to another episode of the Unrelatable podcast. Bye.