Let Me Tell You Something About Dating

Yes, I know. If you had told me even a month ago that I’d be releasing an episode on this, I would have laughed in your face—and then run straight to my grave. But life comes at you fast. So here we are, breaking down your dating advice. Hope you enjoy!

Thank you so much for listening!

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Transcript

Hi, hello! Can you believe can you believe even just the title of this episode? You're probably thinking, oh my goodness, Hannah. Six months ago, didn't you say you were never going to even speak to another human again?

Yes. Yes. I did. And I am here to tell you that I have lost my voice because I've just been going on so many dates. I've been talking to so many people.

I am just out every single night clubbing, drinking, partying. No. I'm just kidding. I have a cold. And so, by the way, all that stuff I just said is 100% a joke.

Not been to a single bar, a single club. I do not drink. I have not been on millions of dates. But today, this is the premise of our of our episode is dating, and I actually cannot believe that I'm saying this. As I said before, I never thought I would even get close to this topic in in my life.

Not only because I thought I would never get divorced, but because because I thought, oh, there's no way I will even look in the direction of another person again or even want to get to know another person even as a friend, if I'm being quite frank. So let me tell you something about dating. Hannah, where do you have these where do you have, this this, title? Where did you get this? Where where do you get the audacity for this?

Well, as you know, I'm an expert, as I mentioned in my last episode, with my one experience with my one boyfriend who became my one husband who is now my one ex. There is nobody better for this job than me. So if if you want to hear the dating advice, I've been given the fun submissions, the best and worst dating advice you have all submitted. And to hear them rated, you know, from one to five stars on how good of advice it is because, again, I am an expert. And then to hear an update of where I am in this magical world of craziness, then I think you I think you're gonna enjoy today's episode.

So without further ado, welcome back to another episode of the Unrelatable podcast. I do have some new listeners, so I'm gonna tell you the premise of of my podcast if you don't know what it is about so far. So when I first started this podcast, the Unrelatable podcast, it wasn't to be, you know, oh my goodness. My life is so unrelatable. I'm just gonna talk about me, myself, and I this entire time.

My main goal was to more so bring up the fact that most of us feel very unrelatable in so many aspects of our lives, whether it's our current situations, our childhoods, our experiences as adults and relationships and friendships, in mental health, in jobs, careers, essentially, just living on this living on this earth and the craziness that comes with it, a lot of the times we can feel very isolated or that everything we are going through is only an individual experience, which can, in the end, be not great for yourself and your mental health and can make you feel very alone. And I think if I can help one person feel a little less alone, then that is really the goal here. Even if, you know, you don't agree with what I'm saying, especially if you don't agree on my stance, whether it's with religion or relationships or anything else for that matter, even just hearing other people's experiences and being open to learning about it and really learning the nuance between why people make specific life decisions that maybe you would never make in your life. There's so much nuance with everything. And most of the time, we're looking into people's lives with this, really, with this magnoscope thinking magnoscope?

Was that a thing? Magnifying glass? Yeah. That's what I meant, magnifying glass. Thinking that we're looking at it with a magnifying glass, whether it's through social media or maybe it's someone you know in your community, And you think you know all the things and you're intellectualizing their behavior and wondering why they make the decisions that they do, and then you're making judgments off of it when really we don't know a single thing.

We really don't. And so that's why I started this podcast is because I thought it would be fun and interesting to talk about those things in life that maybe are not as publicly known about ourselves, maybe other people, and why people make the decisions they do, why we struggle with the things we struggle with because there is so much nuance and context and things that we just don't understand. And in my mind, if we can get to more of a level of understanding, even if we don't agree, it brings so much more connection and unity and helps people feel a lot more supported. Again, even if you don't agree because you don't have to. And so, yeah, that's basically a very long story on why I started this podcast.

Originally, I really wanted to interview people and to have people on the podcast to talk about their experiences and their maybe one or two things that they feel has really influenced their life and then the ways people have seen them and maybe to just speak on those things. And because I do feel like it makes us feel more relatable to each other in the end, which is, again, at the end of the day, we're more alike than we than we are different. And that is important to recognize, especially now in these times that we are living in. We need to be more loving and kind and understanding and empathetic even if we would not necessarily be making the same life decisions as somebody else. So the reason why I haven't had on a lot of guests is because shortly after starting my podcast, I moved across the country where I knew nobody.

And I didn't necessarily wanna do Zoom interviews because I don't have a second mic to be shipping all across, you know, The States and whatnot. But now that I'm back in Utah, I hope to eventually bring that on. I will dive into this more, but I have essentially only wanted to be alone these past several months because, oh, has life been so overwhelming. So I haven't necessarily wanted to bring people into my life and do interviews in that space, but it will eventually come. I promise.

Okay. Now with that introduction, let's just let's just jump right in. So, of course, we have to start from the very beginning. I my dating experience. Oh, man.

I grew up a good member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. And what I what I learned at that time was not to date till you're 16, and I think this is great advice. I do. I don't think it hurts anybody. And I really tried to follow that really, really, really well.

So while I did have lots of little crushes and whatever else, I did not date or even kiss anybody till the ripe age of 16 years old. And for anyone that doesn't know that church, it's also more publicly known as known as the Mormon church because I do look at my I have been looking at my statistics. And while I did think that most of you are listening from Utah, that's certainly not the case. We have a total of 665 cities and 50 countries. So that's pretty cool.

Thanks, guys. So I'm trying to be a little bit better about describing what I'm talking about instead of just making big generalizations. So, yeah, I grew up in the Mormon church, now known as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. And or I guess it's always been known as that, but more more so leaning that direction now. Anyways, long story short, jeez, Hannah, I was dating at 16.

And it actually is weird because at 16, you know, you imagine you're gonna be asked out on this date. They're gonna come to your door. They're gonna meet your parents. They're gonna take you on this, you know, really thought out planned out date. They're gonna bring you back home at a reasonable time, drop you off.

It's gonna be just like it was in, you know, the olden days of our parents telling us about their dating stories. Right? Well, it was quite different. I hadn't kissed anyone yet, but I did kiss. I guess I'm gonna tell you how many people have kissed, apparently.

You're gonna know everything about me at the end of this one. So I kissed, I think it was four guys within that year. I don't know. Is that bad? One of them was a true Mustang.

Okay? You know how you have your high school's mascot? Well, ours with the ours was the Mustang. And in order to be a, quote, unquote, true Mustang, you had to kiss on the what is it? Sixty year dash line, fifty year dash line.

I don't even know the dash lines, but you had to kiss on it. When the clock struck twelve midnight on the night of homecoming. And I don't have anyone that I necessarily liked at that time. So called up a friend and I said, hey. You want a true Mustang?

And they said, sure thing. So that was a kiss. The other ones, one was, the night of prom because, of course, you've gotta have your first kiss be the night of prom. So corny. And then the other one what was the other one?

I don't remember. I don't remember. Wait. That's how many did I tell you. One, two.

I don't remember the other two, but oh, I guess I do, but not really not really important. But, essentially, the next and final last one for the next eleven years of my life was my high school wait. Do I call them my high school sweetheart now that we're not together anymore? Oh my goodness. Well, yes.

It was them. And it was just love at first sight, really. And we started dating and been with that person ever since up until six months ago. So eleven years passed and then October of twenty twenty four happened, separated. And as of today, not only have I been separated for over six months, but I am officially divorced for an entire month.

As of today, look at this. It literally lines up perfectly. The stars are aligning literally the universe knew. They said it needs to be exactly one month until Hannah talks about this. And you're probably thinking immediately, oh, Hannah, one month and you're talking about dating?

Well, then that begs to bring up a conversation of how soon should you be dating after you get a divorce. How soon should you be single? And it is very interesting because during this transition, I've had a lot of people reach out to me who are also going through similar things very, you know, quietly or maybe it's public, but most of them have not been publicly even announced or anything. And so while it's been a surprise to me, it has also shown me that there are people that have been separated from their partner for even over a year and a half and still are not divorced because of either children or finances, not being able to afford it or support. You know?

When when I say you can't afford it, I mean, this housing market is insane. So how, you know, how do you move out? How do you go get another house? How do you split the children? How do you do this and that?

It is so complicated. So then you think, okay. So for these people that are not in love anymore, for these people that are not together, they don't love each other. They are, you know, divorced mentally, but they cannot physically get a divorce yet or civilly, you know, they cannot have the government sign the papers yet. What is an appropriate amount of time for them to wait?

How can we be the judge of that? You know what I mean? There's also so many so much nuance to why people are separating. Is it because what do I wanna say here? I don't know.

I just feel like some people can jump really fast into dating because it's like, well, they wanted they wanted to do that. So now, of course, they're doing it, or they jump quickly into it because they were so emotionally removed from the relationship for so long, or maybe, like, that's what they want. For me, even though I was emotionally removed from the relationship and whatnot, it was really the last thing on my mind. The very, very, very last thing on my mind. And I might have already mentioned this, but a few weeks ago, I read the book, It Begins With You by Jillian.

I don't know her last name. I just remember that little bit. And this book has been so helpful for me with being able to know where I need to be responsible for myself and my past and whatnot and to avoid bringing that into every new conversation or new relationship. Relationship. Wow.

New relationship. But to also just have an awareness of it. And not necessarily to avoid bringing it into conversations or relationships and whatnot. But, yeah, just to have an an awareness of it and how it affects me and have a responsibility for it all and to communicate that Because oh my goodness. I my, my siblings and I were talking about it, and they're like, what do you think has been more traumatic, your childhood or this divorce?

And I was like, oh, for sure this. I don't know if I should say that, but, maybe they're on equal playing fields. I'm not really sure. This one's just so much more recent. And so I would be lying if I said that I don't know how this is going to affect me and myself moving forward because I have a very clear vision of how it already has.

But I am taking responsibility for that. You know, I've been in therapy, and I know that at the end of the day, it's no one else's responsibility but mine. But that being said, it is going to have to be something that my future partner person is aware of and knows intimately because it definitely affects the way I move through the world and always will, unfortunately. But, hey, that's okay. Right?

That's okay. So I don't mean to be so depressing. Jeez. Sorry about that. So, yeah, jumping back into that.

So this timeline I'm telling you, it's just to provide context. Because when I was just immediately post separated, immediately upon separation, I felt the need to isolate completely. What I'm telling you I didn't even want to speak to another human again, Oh my goodness. It was so bad. I luckily, purposely moved to Downtown Salt Lake so that I could walk to the park.

I could walk to farmers markets. I could get myself around people without having to have actual interactions because I knew that I needed to do that in order to surround myself with people, like normal people living their normal lives, doing their normal things, and see that this is a normal thing. And I needed to not self isolate even though that's all I wanted to do. It definitely was the drive for self reliance and a way of protecting myself from, you know, experiencing further pain, I guess. But it also it also allowed extremely good friends in my life to not let that take over, to not let me self isolate too much.

They were over all the time, and it was seriously so helpful and so, so, so apparent with the people who really cared. And it was just so I just really appreciate it so much. So if any of you you know who you are listening, I appreciate you. And then my sister moved in mid November. And having this really strong support system if you're going through a breakup or something very, very, very difficult, it's so essential.

Because while, you know, your initial impulse might be to isolate, having support from people you love can really help prevent you from falling into deeper depressive states. And it's definitely so, so, so important and so special. And, of course, during this time, I was also figuring out my antidepressants and whatnot. So that, of course, ended up helping a lot. And you already know my journey with that if you've listened to the podcast for a while.

But certainly, a few months in to separation, oh, this is when my man hating feelings were really, really starting to develop even deeper. And it wasn't only influenced by really my own experience, but from connecting with friends and other people and just hearing their experiences and close people that I know who are also going through divorce or separation and the intricacies of that. And just hearing these stories, oh my goodness, it really just deepened the fact that I just thought this is I'm I'm not ever going to willingly sign myself up for this ever again because I really was wondering if every male, except for select few in life, are even good people. I'm like, is this is everyone miserable? And it's really interesting and kinda sad because I was told this once by someone really close to my life.

They were leaving their husband. This was their second divorce, much older than me. And they said that they had looked at my myself and my ex and thought that we are the only happy people in in a marriage. And they just thought, you know, we're just, like, the the only what's the word for it? We're the exception.

That is just, what should I name this? It's just John Doe and Hannah are is the exception, and they're the only people that they've seen so far that can make it work. Well, sorry to fail you. But no. It's just these are the types of feelings that people experience immediately upon these types of situations.

And so I think, you know, if you have anyone in your life going through it, just just be a listening ear. You know? I know it's hard not to say, you know, not every person is like this, and you just need to get out there, and you just need to see that other people are not this way. Again, you are so right, which is which is actually crazy that I'm saying that that I'm saying that you're right about that. Because up until, you know, a month or two ago, I would have said no.

You're you're still wrong. This is this is unfortunately the issue of fifty percent of our population. Oh my goodness. And, obviously, that's a protective mechanism. Right?

Maybe a potential blind spot. And I think it's natural, you know, to feel disillusioned after an experience that I've gone through like this and to hold on, you know, to really broad generalizations. I mean, don't get it don't don't get me wrong now. Don't get me wrong. We we still we're still all, all making making the slow, slow, slow steps to the not hating men aspect.

We still hate men. If you're a man listening, just know that I am slightly sarcastic, but also that if you're listening, you're great. So it's it's just fine. Anyways, I know that holding on to such broad generalizations can also really hinder your healing. So I've definitely even though it's been very difficult and I've had very heightened emotional distress and whatnot, being able to acknowledge these things have been important because it allows me to identify patterns in myself and my thinking and my pain and to consider how I can address them and how I can move forward because you cannot exist.

You just can't exist in the world in that type of mental state. Right? You really can't. And, thankfully, oh my goodness, thankfully, I would say after the holidays, after Christmas, everything was able to move forward finally for me more so emotionally in the way of well, first of all, my ex and I live very close together. I moved to Downtown Salt Lake.

He moved here shortly after. So we're within several blocks, actually. And I so I didn't really have space. And that was really difficult for me because, while I do have full custody of my dog, Crew, we, of course, have visitations. I mean, that's been is other humans.

So I would never want that to be something that I take away from crew. So, anyways, with visitations and having to see my ex, and it's just I remember listening to an a podcast episode by Mel Robbins, and she had talked about you cannot get over heartbreak. You cannot move forward if you are still seeing physically, like, with your eyes and feeling, you know, with your energy, this person around you. You cannot move forward. You you actually cannot you you need at least, I think she said, thirty thirty to sixty days or something like that of no contact.

You have to have that. And I hadn't been having that, of course, because, you know, you're still figuring out your our you know, we're you know, doing mediation or whatever and getting everything filed. And so it wasn't necessarily even possible. But then when my ex went back to work, well, there was a whole let me see. January to February I guess just two months.

Wait. Was it two months? Maybe two and a half months of not seeing them and not having to do any sort of exchanges or anything. This enabled a kind of no contact situation, and this allowed so much more space for me to kinda just be able to focus on myself and have relief from constant reminders of my past and really be able to move forward. And I didn't have any, you know, negotiating to do or shared responsibilities and all of these stressors that can really complicate moving forward.

It left a big space for me to be able to do that. And it's insane because like Mel Robbins says, you have to literally go no contact. Your brain does not know how to separate emotions from reality. And I had to keep reminding myself to be soft with these emotions because it's not it's not if you're if even if you're feeling pain because, you know, you love a person, it doesn't mean that you made the wrong choice. It just literally is the way your brain is wired.

Your brain literally re rewires itself, and your nervous system is so connected with theirs. And the severance of this type of tie. I've said it before. You literally feel like you're gonna die. And especially when you don't leave this person because you don't because you don't love them, you're not leaving because you don't love them.

You're leaving because, you know, it's not what you want for your future, and that's extremely hard because it's just you have to really reclaim so much of yourself and your energy and everything back. And so it just it was a big necessary thing to have space. And so January passes and February comes, and it's my birthday. And, oh my goodness, my birthday was really monumental for me, especially, you know, because I made a birthday post slash divorce post, which I felt was so necessary because I it felt like I was kind of taking back a lot of lost energy that I didn't have any say or control in because there's been a lot of things that happened publicly again. Maybe I well, maybe I'll talk about it later.

But being able to speak to that really felt like an act of self affirmation. And, you know, it was really mixed emotions. The, you know, pain interwoven with a lot of self empowerment, and that sounds really corny. But it was just really important to acknowledge it because it was a really big turning point for me, and it, you know, it made it all the more public. And then I, of course, exactly one week later, found out that I was actually divorced.

So moving forward from that point, so much has happened. But before I speak on that, it is time to now talk about the dating advice that you guys have given me because, oh my goodness, some of them are so helpful. They were so good and so thoughtful, and I was gonna rate them one to five stars. Maybe I still will. I would say all of them are great, but, yeah, maybe we still will.

And what is the what is the star? What is the rating system? Oh, I lost my rating system. Oh, darn it. That's okay.

Okay. So, essentially, I'm just gonna dive right into the advice that you guys gave me. And the very first one let's go in order, actually. Okay. This one says drive yourself the first couple of times.

You never know who's a weirdo. 110%, five out of five five out of five stars. I have told my sisters this, always drive yourself. I remember the first time my sister asked me. They're like, hey.

He he totally offered to come pick me up in my dorm. Isn't that nice, or should I meet him there? And I was like, yeah. Like, essentially, that used to be what you did as a as a gentleman or whatever, but not in these days. Not in these days and times.

You do not wanna get kidnapped. You do not know the crazies that are out there. So solid advice. Always meet them there. This next one says, if he mentions Andrew Tate or Logan Paul, effing run.

I think we can add even, like, Elon Musk into that. If any of if if he he's, like, worshiping men like this, men with, like, 18 baby mamas, men who have a platform of just misogyny, or of embarrassing people or humiliating people, yeah, we can just say this is five out of five advice as well. Five stars. See. Look at this.

Everyone's gonna have five stars. Five stars all around. Participation participation awards. No. It's so true.

You you gotta run if if that is the case. Next one says, the advice I was given is it's a numbers game. Just swipe right on everyone for better chances. Oh, so now we bring in online dating. So you're saying you've been given the advice to swipe right on everyone for better chances.

Their comment also says, what a great way to burn yourself out on horrible mat matches with whom you share no attraction and potentially bury the one or two who might be worth your genuine time and attention. This is so interesting and so true. And from something I've heard, could be completely wrong. Again, Hannah, you know, myself being the dating expert, I I can tell you from all of my deep research at Harvard with my PhD in dating, that, most men swipe right on, like, 90% of girls, and then women swipe right on only, like, 10% of the guys or something like that. So then the men are all pissed because they're not getting swiped right on.

And then the women are all, like, putting all of their time and energy into this 10% of guys, and, really, it's other guys that could potentially be a good match for them. And I don't know. In my opinion, I'm gonna stay off the dating apps. There's no way. Okay.

If I ever get on the podcast and tell you I downloaded a dating app, just come to my house and take me out. Just take me out. I am not gonna do that. You can hold me to my word. And, again, if I do it, you can come take me out or I don't know.

Come take me out as in, like, take me from this earth. Not like take me out. Yeah. Anyways, I just don't think that I am interested in the horrific world that sounds like online dating. And I hear everyone says it.

Well, that's how you meet people, especially if you don't drink and you don't go to bars. That's how you meet people is on apps. And I understand. I have some close friends that met their the love of their life on dating apps, and, hey, it's working great. But that was also a long time ago, and I think the world has changed a little bit.

But I don't know. Again, I don't know. I don't know. Haven't done it. But, again, if you see me or if you hear me telling you I'm on a dating app, just end it before it gets bad.

Okay? Thank you. Next one. If you always have to initiate conversations or hanging out, they don't like you that much. You deserve to spend your time with people who like you.

And if they wanted to, they would. Being, quote, unquote, busy is BS. 10 out of 10 advice. Yep. I don't believe in staying in somebody's life just because you're bored or they're bored, and it's just like a convenience thing.

Listen to me saying this. I don't even I've had yeah. I have nowhere to speak. I don't know. But for some reason, that idea sounds good to me, that I'm not interested in just spending my time with people who don't don't like me.

So love that one. Okay. This is the next piece of advice. This may just be me. But if you want a man to take you seriously, don't sleep with him on the first date.

The longer you can wait, the better or at least a month because you can get to know one another without sex and attachment clouding your thoughts. You have way more to offer than just your body. And if he isn't man enough to wait, then he isn't man enough for you. Mic drop. Oh my goodness.

And I love that you put your name. Thank you, girlfriend. I, 10 out of 10. Again, what can I say? All of these are really good advice.

In my mind, this is what I'm having, this is what I'm having a really, really, really difficult time understanding. Okay? I'm having a really difficult time understanding how people don't become attached because hear me out. The only person I've kissed for and been with for the last eleven years of my life, I loved so much and was committed to and all these things. So how are you not just how do you just not fall in love with the next person you kiss?

Or how do you just not create an attachment to every person you kiss? How do you even go around kissing people in the first place? That sounds dangerous. That sounds like a recipe for emotional disaster. If I might humbly say so myself.

No. Seriously. I'm serious. How do you how do you kiss somebody and not get attached? How do you not become emotionally attached immediately?

I don't know. Yeah. Reflecting for the the for the last eleven years, the last person I was kissing, being the first person, only person I love, makes the prospect of kissing anybody else. Red flag, emotional risk, scary. I don't know.

Maybe that's a conditioned response. Let's break this down. Maybe that's me thinking the intimacy automatically equates to vulnerability, but doesn't it? Isn't that, like, isn't that the thing? Isn't that isn't that real?

Right? Isn't it? Or is or do people disentangle physical affection from emotional needs and dependency? I don't know. Couldn't be me, but maybe I should work on that.

Someone tell me someone tell me, am I being toxic, or am I being level headed? Now I need you to judge what I'm saying. So send me a message. Oh my goodness. Okay.

The next one. The worst dating advice I hear is about finding your better half, but you are a whole all on your own. You are the cake, and a partner is just the icing on top. Oh my goodness. If this isn't the best thing I've heard in my entire life, this is so true.

Finding, quote, unquote, your better half. Are you kidding? That just goes to infer that you have half a cup to be filled, and you don't. You don't. We're perfectly good on our own.

And I'll talk about this more at the end, but being alone, oh my goodness. That's literally all I've wanted. And all I still want is to be alone because I am so happy. I'm so happy being on my own right now. I don't think that I would want to invite anyone into my life unless they are going to literally create so much happiness and love and support around it because guess what?

Guess what? Your girl doesn't need anyone else. Oh, it's so refreshing to feel that way of not having to be scared of being alone and and whatnot. Because if you're scared of being alone, you're looking for a relationship for all the wrong reasons. And so, yep, five stars on that one as well.

Look at this. It's, like, five for five so far. Okay. This next one. Being single and looking inward is one of the best things you can do for yourself.

Work on yourself, go to therapy, heal your attachment style, and fall in love with yourself. This is how I attracted my dream partner. Exactly. What did we just say? What did we just say?

Oh, going to therapy, so important. Healing your attachment style. It's so interesting. Attachment styles are so interesting. And there's lots of things that I used to chalk up to being attachment styles, and then I learned, oh, nope.

That that that's not an attachment style. That's just an unhealthy dynamic. And then there's other things where I'm like, oh, yeah. My attachment style is more so this. But it's interesting because it can really change depending on the relationship.

Because my attachment style with my family is so secure. With my friends, so secure. So it's just really interesting because if you find yourself I was having this conversation with one of my best friends yesterday. When if you find yourself talking to somebody and they just bring out an anxiousness within you or, you know, an anxious attachment, whatever, that's almost going to show that this is not this is not the space where you feel secure. You know what I'm saying?

Obviously, there's gonna be things you have to work through. Obviously, there's attachment styles that you really learn through your childhood and whatnot. But I'm saying, obviously, after you work through those, because I do feel like I've worked through so much of my childhood and whatnot. That's what ketamine therapy really, really, really helped me with. And so, yeah, it's just something really interesting that I that we were talking about the other day that I thought was really insightful.

Okay. This next one says, one of the biggest lessons I've learned when it comes to relationships is that you cannot control what someone else does or how they feel. The only thing you can control is how you react. Quote, oh, my partner did this and this, and I'm so mad because blah blah blah blah, unquote. You don't have to get mad.

The moment you let them control your emotions, your feelings, and your feelings to overtake you is the moment that you give them your power. Yes. Absolutely. It is so important to realize that well, first of all, if you're mad at something your partner does and you're saying, I'm so mad because they did this, well, that's speaking to something deeper because let me just let you guys know something that I learned this last year. It's that the emotion of anger in yourself first of all, I always didn't already tell you this.

I always thought anger was a bad emotion that even just feeling it within yourself is a bad emotion. And then I learned from my therapist that no. Feeling the feeling of anger is not about emotion. What's not good, of course, is, like, being disrespectful and the way that you expend anger and express anger, you can't do it angrily. You know, you gotta, of course, be respectful and whatnot.

But I wouldn't even allow myself to even feel the emotion of anger. So it got so trapped in my body and was coming out in so many different ways of, like, acne and hair loss and bloating and, like, the constant feeling and need to, like, throw up. Sorry. A little TMI. But it's because I had so much pent up emotion that I didn't I didn't even know what it was.

But it was anger because anger teaches you what your boundaries are. It does. If you feel anger, it's because your boundaries have been crossed Or you know you know what I mean? And so if your partner does something and you get so mad, well, what boundary was crossed? Okay.

If it wasn't a boundary, if they just left out the dishes, well, then maybe you gotta think about that and think about the fact that might not be that big of a deal, but let's communicate something and let's communicate it kindly. I don't know. I completely agree though that you cannot let someone else have power over your emotions because it's such it's the way of when you when you let someone else have control over your emotions, it's actually just avoiding accountability of the fact that it's your own your own thoughts and triggers that are allowing that to happen. Of course, you do have to look at it for what it is and take analysis of it and think, okay. Is this what I actually want?

Is this even a big deal? You know, something like, you know, maybe there's dishes in the sink. That's really not a big deal. Or is it something else? You know, a trust or betrayal or something much bigger.

You know what I mean? So I think that's really good advice. Okay. This next one. I always get frustrated when I hear people say, quote, my dream partner will magically come into my life.

Bish, how? When all you do is go to work and go home to scroll on your phone. You have to make a conscious effort to put yourself out there. Invest in hobbies and surrounding yourself around like minded people. I met my fiance out of salsa dancing.

My bestie met her boyfriend while traveling, and another met hers at a boxing gym. And then then and then another met hers on a dating app. As long as you do things you like, your person will come at the perfect time. Also, there's no such thing as a perfect partner. It always takes work.

No shame about couples counseling. My partner and I do weekly relationship reviews to discuss what's working and what's not. This is all great. I absolutely agree with the fact that, you know, your person's probably not just gonna walk into your life if you're just going to work and then going home. You're going to have to be out there and doing things that you enjoy and hobbies and whatnot.

Plus, isn't that honestly the most like, what could be a better way of meeting your person than organically like that of, you know, going to your favorite coffee shop or the gym or a boxing gym or a hobby you know, doing hobbies, climbing, pottery, whatever. Sorry. I'm, like, trying to pull all these things from the top of my mind when I haven't been doing a ton of a ton of stuff myself, but I definitely think that that's true. And, also, about no such thing as a perfect partner, 110%, because none of us are perfect. I have so many flaws.

I have so many flaws and things that I will probably never get on lockdown. I will probably never be great at my laundry. I will probably always have one basket of clean clothes that's ready to be folded for at least five days sitting there looking at me. I'm so sorry. I mean, at least it's in the basket.

It's not on the ground. Right? But there's just things that and then, obviously, other things too. Obviously, that's a very, you know, low low key thing. But there is no shame to couples counseling, and that's something that I believe in so heavily.

I always have. I always have believed that going immediately, going even when you're becoming serious about your relationship, there's going to be ways that you communicate that are habits that you just need to have different skills for. It's not a lack of care, a lack of intellectual. I don't know. It's just a lack of knowing sometimes of the skills that are needed to have specific conversations.

So being able to be humble enough to accept that and to go to therapy, I think if you have someone like that, well, then, yeah, you can really work through anything. You know what I mean? Okay. This one says, after living through a divorce myself and also having times of struggle in my thirty plus year marriage, oh, and myself struggling with a faith crisis, anxiety, and depression, my advice for dating would be don't. It's not a race.

You need time to heal your heart and your soul. Surround yourself with good people who love and support you. Give yourself grace and time, at least one year, to, quote, just be. Find your perfect peace. When you have moved through pain, through the pain, the uncertainty, feelings of rejection, and all the other emotional parts of a commitment not working for whatever the reasons, then let yourself find another soul who will love you for your imperfect self, all that you are and aren't.

Love you, girly. You know? So the the first time I read this, I cried. So thank you so much for saying this. I 100% agree that time is so needed and just being yourself and being alone is needed.

Because let me tell you something. I have not known who I am for, like, the past year or two. Everything I thought I was, everything I I thought I am, whatever, was so put into question. And so I just felt like, who even am I? I would wake up, look in the mirror, and think, I don't even know I don't even know who this person is looking back at me.

So upon being on my own, that was the main thing I had to find out is who even am I and allow myself to be who I am also without apology. You know what I mean? You can get so wrapped up in the expectations or, I don't know, just the the ways that your relationship has been for so long where one day you wake up and you're like, I don't even recognize myself or my life, and this is not at all what I envisioned. And you don't just bounce right back the second that you're gone. You know what I'm saying?

I have I don't think I've shared this with you, but I spent October through probably, like, the January sleeping, probably ten to fourteen hours every day because I well, first of all, I had so much sleep to catch up on. I was so sleep deprived. And my body was just, like, exhausted, and I was so sick. And the healing, it just took so long, and there were so many days where I would wake up, and my instinct would just be to, like, criticize myself and get down on myself and tell myself how lazy I am and all these things. And it's like, no.

You gotta give yourself that time and your space. And, again, like you said, you have to surround yourself with people who love and support you. And, literally, I'll I'll talk about this in a second, but that's the last thing that I'm looking for right now actually is a is a person to fill my life because I need to fill my life. Because I have never been on my own, and that's really all I need and want is to be so content by myself as to where I'm not gonna look for anyone else to fill any type of space that I feel that I'm lacking. Because even though I felt like I lacked so much for so long, I don't.

I'm a pretty I'm a pretty good person. I'm pretty cool. Right? And I think that that's a big insecurity often when you leave a relationship is that you are not good enough as you are, but you are. And it's just about working through that.

And, you know, I just love I just love that you said letting your felt yourself find another soul who will love you for your imperfect self, all that you are and are not. Because you do have to find someone that loves you for for everything you are, but everything that you're not. That's so important because you cannot be everything to everyone. You know? Okay.

Sheesh, that one was so good. I might have to split this up into two episodes, actually. I think I do, and I think I will. I think that the rest of the advice, I'm going to release tomorrow. I have five more submissions, and then I'll give you an update of my life since my birthday because, spoiler alert, I did go on a date.

I know. I know. Pretty, pretty freaking crazy. If you would have told me even even two weeks before the day, I would have been like, no. Like I said, not ever gonna speak to another person again, let alone a man.

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? But spoiler alert, this is someone that I've known for a long time. No. Not from high school.

Okay? Not from Cache Valley. Not even from Salt Lake City. So, yeah, you do not know who it is. I promise.

Sorry. Love you. But I it's just gonna take me, like, another probably thirty to forty minutes. So I will talk to you guys tomorrow. I'll do a fun weekly Friday recap.

It's been a long time, so we'll recap essentially the whole last month or two. And I just wanna say thank you so much for everything. Thank you for your submissions. This is the most submissions I've ever received. And I think it's because it's a fun topic.

Right? But I do really appreciate it, and I appreciate all you new listeners. And I've just not felt so much love and support in in so long, And it's really overwhelming, and I'm not gonna cry. That's stupid. But I do just wanna say thank you because sorry.

Gross. I I just think that for so if you are ever if if no one has told you this today, if you have things in your life that you are just so unhappy about or unsure about, and it's been that way for a long time, you do not have to live with those feelings forever. I thought for the longest time that this is this is how life is, and I will I'm grateful. Or sorry. I am grateful, and I have nothing to complain about.

And I have so much fewer problems and so many other people in the world and just basically gaslighting yourself. Right? Stop gaslighting yourself if you're unhappy. Okay? Whether this is in a career or in a place that you live or in a relationship, I it doesn't have to be that way forever.

And I think that when you feel like you're gonna have these specific feelings for forever is just when you get so depressed and so hopeless, and you feel like nothing is ever gonna change. But nothing changes if nothing changes. And, of course, hindsight is twenty twenty, and I can kick myself, you know, a thousand times for not doing things sooner. But you don't know what you don't know. You really don't.

And sometimes you have to give it everything you've got before moving forward, and that's okay. And, again, hindsight is twenty twenty. We're all on this earth for the first time, and I, again, I will always care for my past partner always and forever. I mean, you don't just spend a decade of your life with somebody and then not care about them again. But there are there are definitely times and moments that you need to make sure that you are aware and open to receiving any sort of whatever you wanna call it, intuition or sign or whatever if you're not on the right path.

And so just learn how to trust yourself again because that's the biggest thing that I've been working on post separation. I keep calling it post separation because I've been separated for over six months. So it's a I kinda feel like I've been divorced for six months, you know, even though it just went through a month ago. They they don't let you file for divorce, when you move to a new state for at least ninety days to prevent, like, state hopping for divorce benefits, if you if you didn't know that. But yeah.

So, essentially, all I'm here to say is if you don't trust yourself, you're never gonna be able to make any decisions any decisions from a clear mind. You won't. And if you're not able to make a decision from a clear mind, you're gonna stay stuck, and you're gonna stay in the cycle of hopelessness or depression that you're in. And so if I can tell you anything, it's to start doing small daily things that allow you to trust yourself again. A big one for me, really the basis of me being able to really gain any sort of trust is to keep the promises I make to myself.

And, of course, you already know for me that's fitness and working out daily. So even if for yourself, if you're trying to build trust with yourself so you can then trust your own intuition, start slowly, and start keeping the commitments you make to yourself, if that is with fitness or with, you know, doing a tour each day or something small or you know what I mean? Anyways, wow. I never expect myself to talk about literally anything that I talk about, and sometimes I get worried that I maybe share too much or not enough, but I don't know. We'll see.

So, anyways, the second half of today's episode will be out tomorrow. And sorry that this is coming out later today, but I just had a lot of things I wanted to share, and I wanted to give room for more submissions. So if you have any more submissions, I will be recording tomorrow's episode tomorrow morning so you still have time. I have five so far, and then I'll give you a little life update. So thank you so much for listening to today's episode of the Unrelatable podcast.

I appreciate you a lot, and I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye.