Moving Forward & Slowing Down

Today I'm talking about the small steps I'm taking each day to move forward during this big life change... I'll also be diving into how my past self has handled conflict, and the difference I'm hoping to bring this time around. Finally, I'll be discussing a lot about shame; what it means, how it shows up, and how I'm working on stepping outside of it. Counting the small glimmers, creating a soft life, and healing sustainably is the upmost goal.

Thank you for your messages, comments, support, etc. They've brought me a lot of hope and peace during this time of my life. Hope you enjoy today's ep <3

Thank you so much for listening!

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Transcript

Hi, hello, and welcome back to another episode of the Unrelatable podcast. I want to say a really big thank you for the overwhelming response to my last episode. If you haven't listened yet, I share the fact that I'm going through a really big life transition. I am single for I'm not even single yet.

I'm not actually divorced yet, but I'm going through a divorce. And I'm single for the first time in my adult life, and so it comes with so many insane changes, and I shared about how I initially wasn't going to talk about it. But what I'm going through right now and the topics that I'll be talking about on my podcast are very much going to be hand in hand with that. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

And it was just overwhelmingly supportive, and I felt a lot of love and hope, and so thank you. It was very, very needed. So today, I really wanted to continue forward along the lines of where I'm at right now and what I'm doing in my life and the direction I'm taking it. So that means a lot is gonna be a lot's gonna be done with healing, with doing things that bring me more joy, and also slowing down. So if you're going through any tough phase in your life or maybe last year was difficult for you, maybe it wasn't, but maybe you just want to hear about different aspects of healing and why a big part of it has to do with shame.

I'm gonna be talking a lot about that today. And moving forward, slowing down, building deeper, more meaningful relationships primarily with myself. How many of you guys have a good relationship with yourself? I'm sure a lot of you guys say that you that you do, and I'm sure that you do, but I'm sure there's equally just as many who maybe don't. And so that's really the kind of thing that I'm working on right now.

And I will be talking a lot about shame and how it shows up, how we can recognize it. And what I'm trying to do to step outside of it, and the small things that I've been doing each day to help myself move forward and heal in a meaningful way. Because in the past it has been something where I wanted to avoid. I always want you always wanna avoid the painful, the painful healing and the painful experiences that cause you to need to go through that, and you can develop not great coping mechanisms and just push people away at times. So I'm gonna be talking about those types of responses, and this is not necessarily a self help episode.

I guess it kind of is. It's helping myself and just kinda I guess it's really just talking about how I'm helping myself and the mindset that I'm really taking into account right now and over the last few months. So, yeah, I don't know if I even described that very accurately, but we're going with it. You know, I'm just I'm really working on waking up every day in a life that has been created by my authentic self because I realized over the past year, at least that I've been waking up in a life that wasn't created by me and who I really am, but really just my survival self. And I've just been living life to survive.

And, of course, that stems from childhood and whatnot. But, yeah, we're going to dive into all that. So if that interests you, then welcome back to another episode of the Unrelatable podcast. So I've been learning a lot about the survival self versus your resource your resource self. And what do I mean by that?

Well, I've been living with a super weak sense of self, One that is directly affected by the way that other people treat me, talk to me, or simply exist around me. I kinda used to go around thinking that I am an empath, and I feel things so deeply. And I think I have been. I always cringe when people call themselves an empath, but I'm actually trying to step away from that. I'm not stepping away from having empathy, but the fact that it is really a toxic coping mechanism, I think and I'll get into that more later, but it affects me even to the point of things that are not even real.

So watching movies, I have such a difficult time, not even only watching, like, horror movies or scary movies or things like that that I would say maybe, you know, 50% of the population also doesn't like. Even though, actually, I'm not sure if that's true anymore because am I the only one that feels like horror movies and psychological thrillers are just being pumped out these days? There's so many. They're everywhere. Anyways, I feel like that's really, really interesting.

Maybe it's just because we, as a society in a whole, have really become desensitized to those kinds of things. But for me, I feel like I have just it's like exploded by 10,000, my sensitivity to the point where I cannot really enjoy movies. I sound so lame, but I really have a hard time enjoying movies, deeply sad movies, deeply painful movies. It can even be something ridiculous. And if someone is going oh my gosh.

Here's a really good example. What is what is that show that is, the galaxy Marvel show? You know you know what I'm saying? I'm pretty sure it even has the word galaxy in it. Well, Guardians of the Galaxy.

There we are. I think it was the 3rd or 4th one. I'm not really sure which one it was. But I went and I saw it in the theaters, and I was so deeply, disturbed because of the intense emotion that I felt for these poor creatures. Things were happening to him and people, and they're inanimate objects sometimes, and they're not even real sometimes.

And it really affects my overall well-being. It's really strange, and I don't enjoy it at all. And I've realized recently whenever my siblings come over and they wanna watch something, it's usually you know, they wanna watch something deep and exciting and or a thriller or something, and and thrillers are deeply upsetting for me too. So I don't know what it was what it is. I don't know if it's because I never really watched rated r movies growing up or really intense movies.

I don't even think I saw Spider Man till I was, like, 25 or something like that. I I know it's ridiculous. Haven't seen Gladiator yet. I haven't I don't know. There's there's really, of course, cinematic and incredible movies that I haven't seen yet, but that just goes to say that I have just had this overwhelming sensitivity.

And this, of course, developed when I was a kid, but I it has extended and really developed from people I care about from their value of me and their thoughts of me. So for someone whose opinion I value, if they reject or criticize me, it is a deep personal rejection. It feels like a deep personal rejection of who I am at my core. And this type of experience just continually reinforces a belief for myself that I am not good enough and I am not safe being myself. So I haven't existed from a place of being myself.

And even when I have had small, small moments where I did and where I did make good, good progress with that. And this is gonna be controversial because I'm sure 80% of you will disagree. But for me, leaving my religion was definitely scary because there was a lot of shame built around even thinking about doing that. And again, I might lose some of you guys here, but I'll be but I'll be quick. That was something that I felt deeply dysregulated on.

And back back at that time, things were a lot more extreme. I feel like now it's it's a lot more progressive and it's a lot more open for interpretation and whatnot. But back then, there were very strict boundaries here or there, and you could not believe this and you had to believe that. And I just really deeply did not believe in a lot of the things that that were going on and being being said and done and whatnot. So for me, taking a step away, that was a really big moment for me to value my internal well-being and to put the trust in myself because I have always grown up being told not to trust myself, that I don't actually know what's real and what's not, and to really just put my trust in others.

And and I think, I mean, that that's even been outside of, you know, my the roof that I grew up under. But then, of course, there's things that happen in your childhood and in your childhood home that reinforces those beliefs at times. And from that place is where shame really begins to grow. And I wanna be clear. This isn't about blaming anybody or seeking sympathy.

It's just a part of my journey, and I'm sharing it because I know how relevant this is to what I'm going through right now and for what a lot of you guys have expressed that you're going through. I need to get a drink of water here. Hold on. I am using the Brumate, and I do still love it. But I'm not telling you to go buy anything right now because you probably you probably already have a water bottle, and it's just fine.

Now it is. So that's not needed. Okay. Anyways, so I was really I was really reflecting back, and I've realized that this really weak sense of self has been at the core of my depression and anxiety, which if you've listened for a while, you've heard me talk about that quite a bit. And, you know, especially with my experience with Ketamine treatments, I talked about having really intense highs and really low lows.

And so much of that I've realized has been a pattern and it has been a pattern in my life when certain events have happened. And a lot of it has stemmed from the fact that my self worth has been entirely tied to external approval and not trusting my overall sense of self and being able to carry that forward. So my coping mechanisms have been all over the place. I mean, we all have different ways of coping when our nervous system feels dysregulated. Right?

And in my case, these are a few of the ways that I've responded over the years. So the first one, you know, in response to fight flight or freeze, for a while, mine was flight. And there's this theory that's that goes, were you a living room family or a bedroom family? And one of my close friends and I were talking about this the other day. She actually introduced me to it.

And a living room family is a family that spends together that spends time together in shared spaces, emphasizing togetherness. And, you know, whether that's games or or really just you all kind of coincide together and you're out in the open and you feel safe just coexisting and being with with each other. And a bedroom family tends to retreat to their own spaces, or maybe it's 1 or 2 of the kids or a parent or something like that. And I grew up very much the bedroom with a bedroom family, or I guess as a bedroom person, I won't generalize everyone in my family. In fact, my my parents actually took my door off at one point when I was in high school because they didn't like that I was just always in my bedroom.

And it was just one of those ways where I retreated. And looking back, I mean, I don't have any strong feelings about it. Retreated. And looking back, I mean, I don't have any strong feelings about it. I'm just kind of taking it as information of, you know, explaining a lot about how I learned to cope by isolating myself, really.

And never did I really talk about things with friends, or even with my parents. So if ever I had struggles with my parents, I typically wouldn't talk about it with my friends. And if I had struggles with my friends, I wouldn't talk about it with my parents. So really just kind of self isolation. The next phase that I ended up kind of going into though was more freeze.

And with freeze, you can kind of disassociate or you have a lot of brain fogginess. You don't really know how to respond, how to react, and you're just in a state of, I don't know how to explain it. How do you explain it? I didn't write down any notes on freeze. Sorry, guys.

But I'm sure you can imagine what that is. And the second coping mechanism that I have implemented over the years is people pleasing and over caretaking. Placing my care of others always above my own needs and to my own detriment. I've, for some reason, really placed a big importance and a big responsibility of mine has been to help regulate other people's emotions, whether they've asked me to or not to kind of be around if at any moment they need help or assistance or really just taking that upon myself and prioritizing their well-being in a way that was almost self sacrificial. And this isn't heroic by any means.

In fact, I feel like it's a form of self harm. And if you need any sort of, you know, sensitivity for, self harm and that kind of discussion moving forward. I'll give that to you now. But, yeah, I I don't feel I used to feel that it was my place on this earth to be a caretaker for lots of people in my life. I mean, my siblings, my parents at one point or another, my grandparents, other people.

And I've really just put myself in this place of, okay, I am really here to help others through what they're going through and to take care of them. And I will worry about my needs later at the end of the day. And this hasn't always flowed exactly to to that same beat my whole life. I mean, there was a point when I was in high school where I did leave my childhood home my senior year and didn't come back. I moved in with my grandparents, and that was definitely something where I was really only thinking about myself.

Because I was like, this is not this is not working. Gotta get out of here. And I did and moved in with my grandparents. But, that was definitely a time where I did take care of myself more, I would say was maybe that year 18, 19 was when I was kind of doing that. And, but after that, I mean, kind of jumped right back into a caretaking role, both with my partner and with my siblings.

And I felt a lot of guilt actually for doing that. I felt so bad later on for for leaving them behind is essentially what I felt like I I ended up doing. And I felt a lot of guilt for that. And I don't know. It's just the guilt kind of will lead on to what I'll talk about shame.

But the essentially, it's it's a it is, you know, self sacrificing is kind of a form of self harm when you do it to an extreme level. And so the third way of coping for me has been self harm. And this is something I've touched on very briefly in the past, but it's shown up in different ways. A lot in high school around food, I would restrict food a lot, so I was extremely thin. Later on, it came out again back in 2020, actually, through binging, which I've never talked about, to anybody.

So there you go. And then besides that, there's been other ways that I haven't and probably won't talk about yet, but it's just another way that I've tried to manage. I feel like the overwhelming shame that I've carried for, I think having needs that aren't being met, that I'm not communicating, that I don't believe that I deserved at the end of the day. And so bringing it into shame. Shame is one of the biggest dysregulators of our nervous system, and it's a natural response to stress and trauma in our life.

But it's also deeply misunderstood because we're often told that or maybe you haven't been told this, but I know that I have really understood that you just need to think your way through it. You shouldn't be affected so much. You're overreacting or you're just being mentally weak, essentially. And this has this messaging has really led me to feel shame about the way that I am and the way that I live. And it's really unique because it operates at the level of our identity.

Shame does. And it actually changes how we see and perceive ourselves making it one of like the heaviest psychological and physiological burdens to carry. And it ends up really affecting your nervous, your nervous system. And with shame is when freeze, the reaction of freeze is more implemented. And there are 2 different types of shame, and that is explicit and implicit.

Explicit shame is much more obvious. It's in the form of direct experiences like harassment, bullying, being yelled at, or spoken to with really shameful criticizing language. And then the second one is implicit, and this one's much more subtle. It can be a lot harder to recognize. It's maybe something that you'll after I tell you a little bit more about it, maybe you'll think, oh my gosh.

Yeah. I might feel some implicit shame. But essentially, it's a shame that we absorb from other people's reactions, whether it's TV or family or friends or relationships. For example, if your parent shamed their own body often or other people's bodies, You might internalize the belief that your body is also wrong, and this can go in the way of either the way that they speak about them or criticize them. Or maybe it's just a look of disgust or a look of dis disapproval.

That's a that's a word. Right? And if someone you admire is reacting with disgust towards someone else's choices or body or looks. I mean, you kind of began to believe that your own choices or expressions are shameful, whether they align with that or they don't. Even, you know, like I was saying, the tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, these communicate shame in ways that end up sticking with us for so long.

So maybe you can think about an example of when you were growing up and maybe you had no sense of shame or anything around specific thoughts or habits or your body, or I don't know. Here's an example. I remember going to the pool as a 10 or 11, 12 year old, and there'd be just young girls in, like, cute little bikinis. And usually, the guardians I was with, whether it was parents or whether I was there with a group or grandparents, it was always, oh my gosh. That's disgusting.

These kids in bikinis and this and this and that, and they've or even teenagers like, oh my gosh. They have no respect for their body. They don't love themselves. Or if someone this is something that I have heard from someone in my life, and they were talking about someone who was overweight wearing a specific kind of clothing, and they were shaming them and saying, how could they even go out in public like that? Like, that's disgusting.

And they just had so much hate and criticism. And this can come across in so many different ways, as you can imagine. So most of us really will care or carry a mix of explicit and implicit shame. And what we can do is really map the shame that we feel in our bodies because, you know, we can recognize, okay. Yeah.

I have these different types of shame, but for me, it's really, it's been hard to be able to name what I feel. It's been really hard, and that's something that I have really been learning and working with my therapist on. So I think it was February or March is when I found my therapist and she's wonderful. She I I specifically wanted someone who was educated in EMDR, and that's something that we really started practicing in June, July, August, pretty sure. And some of the practices were she would ask me how I felt about certain situations or how I was feeling that day, and I really couldn't tell you.

I really couldn't say anything because I really truly didn't know. I was really out of touch with myself and how I felt. And so I started really identifying where I felt sensation. So she would say, do you feel, for example, tightness in your chest or something that I would feel was a knot in my stomach? A lot of times for me, my anxiety and my stress this year, or I guess last year came through in my stomach, which I've never experienced before.

And it came to the point where it was like, this is really strange, but I would maybe this is TMI. I don't know. But I would get so sick to my stomach where I would just, like, start dry heaving because my body was, like, almost trying to, like, physically get rid of these emotions, but it it couldn't. And, like, I wouldn't I I mean, I wouldn't always throw up obviously because you don't always have food in your stomach when this happens. And so that's really a really weird way that my body started feeling shame, and it didn't have anything to do with, like, oh, I'm gonna eat some food and and then, and then do that.

It was more like it would just come on suddenly. I remember I was on the plane once and I was flying somewhere and the entire it was so weird. Like, the entire last 45 minutes of the flight, my stomach was clenched so tight. It but it also bloated really big, and I was in so much pain. I had actually my seat was I mean, I've already talked about this.

Actually, my seat was reclined, and the woman behind me kept kicking my seat. And I understand it's so annoying to have 3 square inches when you go on a flight. But I truly believe if you pay for your seat, you play, you pay for the recliner. If you pay for your seat, you pay for the limited amount of space that you're given. So if you want more space in front of you, if you don't want the person to recline in front of you, guess what?

You upgrade your seat. I don't know. It's my it's my opinion. And so I turned around and I was like, hey. Can can you please stop kicking my seat?

And she basically threw up her hands and said, I don't know what you want me to do. There's no room. And I said that this is this is bad. I said, well, I'm pregnant, and I'm extremely nauseous. So unless you want me to throw up, I would really appreciate it if you stopped kicking my seat.

And, hopefully that's not like something that's terrible to say is that I'm pregnant when I'm not, but it was true. I I ultimately felt like I was going to, like, physically explode out of my mouth because it was just, like, so much stress. I don't know. It was crazy. I've I'd never that was the first time I really started experiencing that.

And the second form was migraines. And so once I was able to start naming these things and really identifying them, I could identify those sensations, you know, shortness of breath, flushed cheeks, then I could name the emotion attached to it. So sadness, hopelessness, anger, guilt, etcetera. And that's when you notice what your behavioral responses are, whether it's flight, flight, flight, fight, or freeze. And for me, it really became freeze.

I mean, I found myself disassociating a lot or fantasizing or, you know, canceling plans. It could even come out as impulse spending or, you know, OCD, not necessarily like a diagnosable disorder because I know that that's completely different, but I actually do believe that is a coping mechanism of sorts. And I did actually develop some level of that this past year. I became so OCD about my space because I kinda feel like in my life, I feel like there's only been a few things I can control, and that's my body. I can control what I do, what I put into it, and then how I exercise.

So the food that I eat, I can control that, and I can control if I'm exercising. And then the second thing I felt like I could control was how clean my house was, but it became really extreme where I just couldn't relax unless all the dishes were put away, the counters were constantly wiped up, and all that jazz. And that's been something that I'm really grateful to be growing out of right now. I'm not too sure if that's even the right way to put it because I still don't leave dishes in the sink, but it it doesn't leave me as much stress if I do. And I think I mentioned in my last episode that my sister moved in with me.

This has been a lot of fun to have her here. The 1st few weeks I was alone and that was really difficult. And she was actually put in a situation where she didn't have housing for school, and she goes to school in Salt Lake. And so we were like, hey. Why don't you just move in with me?

So it's been really, really, really good because it's just been fun. I mean, living with your sister as an adult, living with a sibling as an adult is a completely different experience, especially because we were 8 years apart when we were younger. So I left the house when she was only, you know, 9, 10 years old and missed out on those other 8 years of her life. So it's been a lot of fun and she is extremely clean. She really is.

And I think most people think it's normal to have dishes in the sink. And so, you know, she had runs off her plate, put it in the sink, and I'm getting so much better at not feeling any sort of way. I'm not attaching emotion to if she leaves the dish in the sink instead of putting it in the dishwasher. And I'm trying not to attach as much emotion to germs as well. I don't know if this is completely uninteresting also, but germs for me are really difficult.

And maybe it's because I'm like I really intellectualize it a lot in my mind. This this is my thought process is I live in downtown Salt Lake, and there is a lot of displaced people living here that do go to the bathroom on the streets. And there's crap on the streets that I don't want tracking into my house. Disgusting. So I re I require people to take off their shoes at the front door.

That was not a house that we grew up, and we did not grow up in in a house like that. So it's been very, very funny to really implement those rules on my family. Oh, I've just told them, like, it's okay if you think I'm OCD in in this area because that is not something that I will that I will be able to let go of. But it even goes so far as to where I wipe off Crew's paws. Crew is my dog, as you know, if you didn't know, I guess.

I wipe off his paws every single time we go outside into the bathroom. And in my mind, that makes sense because I have a little dog area where I live, and all the dogs are using that to go to the bathroom and whatnot. And I'm like, why would I want to drive that into my house? I don't know. So there's things that make sense to me, and then there's things that don't make sense.

Like, having dishes in the sink should just be okay, and then you just put them away at the end of the night or something along those lines. Or maybe you don't make your bed or maybe you go to bed and you don't fix up the couch. That became something really weird where I felt like I wanted the couch to be I wanted to put all the pillows back on the couch and fold up all the blankets every single night after watching a show or something. And sometimes you just fall asleep while you're watching movie and you should just be able to go lay down and go to bed. And honestly, that's really where my I don't wanna say OCD because I don't, I don't have OCD or, you know, haven't been diagnosed or anything, but that's where those habits that's really the only habits that I've had in, in that regard.

But that is definitely a sort of coping mechanism. You know, all of these ways are ways that your body tries to distance yourself from discomfort. And so much of it comes back to the meanings that we've internalized. And for me, one of those meetings meanings have been, I don't meet external standards or sorry, if I don't meet external standards, I have no value. And if people don't approve of me, I'm not worth knowing.

Another one is that I am easily forgettable. And I don't know. These are all deeply, deeply rooted ones. And once I recognize these, I've been able to approach them with a lot more compassion and have been able to challenge them. And to begin the process of de shaming, which involves shifting away from self blame self judgment and especially self punishment, which is so sad.

And I hope if any of you out there ever take part in take part in that, that you just allow yourself a little bit more self compassion, because that is a really sad road and so lonely. And I understand completely where it comes from 100%. And it's weird because it's almost like a cry for help. Right? Whichever way you, you do that, but it's almost invisible to everybody else.

In fact, it is invisible usually to everybody else for a long period of time. And so it's not a way to ask for help, even though it's it's something that your body thinks makes sense. It it doesn't. And so moving forward and moving toward compassionate self correction, one way is instead of thinking, you know, I'm so anxious. What's wrong with me?

I'm learning to say, wow. Okay. My nervous system is super activated right now, but this is a normal response to what I'm experiencing, or this is a response to what I've experienced. And now I'm sitting here and I'm feeling this trigger and we're all responsible for our own triggers. And so with EMDR, that's really what you're doing is you are recognizing your triggers and you're working through them, and it's it's really helpful.

So next is learning to attune to your body's needs. Believing yourself means believing your body and by meeting your body's fundamental needs, you complete that cycle of fight, flight, or freeze. And you do that by sleeping when you're tired, allowing yourself to go to bed when you're tired or drinking water when you're thirsty or pausing to breathe when you feel overwhelmed. Even allowing yourself to go to the bathroom when you need to go to the bathroom instead of telling yourself you're gonna finish dishes and then go to the bathroom as if it's some sort of reward. And these all sound really simple, but they really are powerful acts of self attunement.

And I'm really trying to go into this next phase of life slowly and gently, because if there's anything I've learned over and over and over time and time again, it's that healing isn't about rushing. Healing is about going at the pace of the slowest part of your nervous system. This process is actually called titration and it involves microdosing essentially your healing. And microdosing building trust with those parts of yourself that have been hurt and being able to move forward and choosing connection is so, so, so uncomfortable because what is at the root of of the shame is is being hurt by connections and internalizing that. Because shame has convinced us that if we show our true selves, then we will lose connection and we'll lose our safety.

But it requires us healing requires us to choose connection with ourselves first. And if you don't have that, you'll lose connection with everything else. I truly believe. And if you do choose that and you do end up losing certain connections, it's because they weren't real in the first place. And I talk about that a lot in my last episode in regards to some of your submissions that you sent in about the energy that we're bringing into into this new year.

So I'm currently learning how to spend my days listening to my body, meeting its needs, and trusting that this slow and intentional work will lead me to a deeper sense of safety, both within myself and feeling safety in my relationships with other people. Okay. Drink break again. So moving forward, I really feel like I'm moving into a softer life, embracing a soft life. And to me, that means intentionally slowing down and prioritizing joy, relationships, and peace over the constant strive for success and external validation.

I didn't even think that that I cared about external validation, but I obviously did. And you can care about external validation from just people in your life that are close to you and or you can care about it from bigger groups of people, maybe organizations, maybe, church groups or social media or maybe friends or college friends. I don't know. I just feel like it's everywhere. The the chances of living for external validation is everywhere and prioritizing ease, slowing down, and a relationship with yourself.

It's about focusing on what truly brings you fulfillment, even if it ends up looking different from what you valued in the past or from maybe traditional markers of success. I've shared several times that my dad told me a few months ago that I actually don't need to just be a constant project, and I don't actually need to be continually growing and growing and growing that I can rest and that I can just breathe for a minute. And that was the first time someone has literally ever brought that concept into my life. And does that mean that I'm going to practice it through and through in every single area? No, we're only human and, and whatnot, but I definitely am making it a much bigger priority now.

I mean, for so long, we've been told that quote unquote hustle culture is the only way to achieve our dreams. And when you're 18, now is the time. You've got to grind harder, work longer, sacrifice everything now for some future reward. But the life that I'm trying to lead now, it challenges that. And instead I'm asking myself, like, what if success doesn't have to hurt?

What if you don't earn a reward for making the most sacrifices at the end of your life? You know, what if joy and rest are not actual rewards for your labor, but just essential parts of experiencing life? That's a concept. That's a concept that I don't believe yet, but I'm working on that. And I think a big part of the appeal that I have for moving forward into this soft life is, you know, it really resonates with where we are culturally.

I think after years of burnout and global uncertainty with COVID 2020 with the wars that began last year and in 2023, you know, the pandemic forcing us to re examine our priorities. And I think many of us are tired of chasing things that truly don't make us happy. And there's also a sense of like, well, what if it doesn't happen because of capitalism and how insane interest rates are. And, you know, from the time you're 18, it's like, okay, hurry and buy your car, hurry and get a house, hurry and do this and some that. But it's like, well, what happens when that's not technically an option at the moment even?

How are you going to how are you going to redefine that for yourself? And I guess I did have, I did have an episode about redefining success and whatnot. And I don't mean to keep mentioning that. I think I mentioned that in my last one too, but it's just really relevant to the mindset switches that I'm making for myself because I have been so burnt out as I expressed and I have reexamined my priorities and really turned inward and asked myself, okay. What feel what actually feels good?

What actually feel makes me feel connected to myself and to other people and relationships and and whatnot. And for me, it means saying no to things that might not align with my values anymore. And it means spending more time with people that I do love and letting myself rest without telling myself that I'm a POS, letting myself sleep in without guilt tripping myself that I'm, again, a POS. And it's prob might sound ridiculous, but I don't know. I just think that letting yourself rest without guilt and letting yourself live without guilt can really give you a lot of freedom to breathe.

And for me, I've needed to breathe. And one of the most beautiful aspects of slowing down, in my opinion, is the freedom it gives you to create your own version of of success. And that might be pursuing a passion project or taking more time for self care. And for others, it might mean, you know, slowing down to enjoy small pleasure, pleasures of life, like taking a walk or cooking a meal or sitting in silence with a good book, especially today. I think that we have to find peace and joy in the smallest things because of the stresses that we do have.

You just have to. And moving forward from that, if you're feeling stuck in any certain way or overwhelmed by expectations, maybe ask yourself, like, what does a soft life look like for me? Maybe it's carving out more time for those things that bring you joy or allowing yourself to step back from things that actually really drain you. And I I remember I have to remember that, you know, choosing a softer life doesn't mean I'm giving up my ambition. That's not what it means at all.

And I feel like it means, like, you're actually aligning your ambition with what truly matters to you. I used to think that me having discipline and me having ambition meant that I have to achieve certain things and have a really high value on this. But how do you assign value to something? Anyways, whose value are you putting on it? Is it the monetary value?

Is it the value, the generational value that maybe your family has put on something? What is the value that you've assigned to it? And why is it that way? And do you wanna change it? That is something that, wow, I actually haven't really thought about before, but I think a good example of that is competing in bodybuilding.

I think that there's been a huge influx of bodybuilders, at least from people that I went to high school with, and I think it's so cool. And there's one thing you should know about bodybuilding is it's not lucrative. It's not something that you make a ton of money doing. In fact, you will not make money unless you're winning a pro show in which you're only making, I don't know, 3 to 5 grand. The biggest paycheck is winning the Olympia and one person a year on that one person a year.

I'm I'm referring to the bikini category, but it's like so few and far between. And the reason why people value that sport is not for the money. The value is I mean, I think it's different for everybody, but for me, it's showing up continually and becoming stronger. And like I said, that's one thing that I've always felt I've had control of in my life. And maybe one of the only things is how I show up for myself in the gym with movement with in regards to my health and and whatnot.

I don't wanna become, you know, repetitive, but I think it just goes along with the importance we place on on these things and on small wins, because when we're healing or working towards a goal, it's really easy to focus on the big picture and the end result that we want to achieve. And for me, that feels, or it has been extremely crippling because like I expressed, I don't know. I get asked a lot of questions and my response is, I don't know. I truly wish I had an answer. And I don't, I don't know, you know, in regards to like the future, in regards to my plans, in regards to how I feel or what's going on or this or that.

It's like, I don't know. And that is something that is I know everybody has felt that before and it's so overwhelming. And I think focusing on these tiny small things that you can you know, the these small wins can really be something that helps us out. And it's not just about having small wins to give yourself credit, but I think that it's about reminding ourselves that progress doesn't actually have to be monumental to be meaningful. My friend was, I was talking to my friend the other day and they asked me how I was doing.

And I wasn't doing great at that moment in time because it changes hour by hour. And they said, well, have you had any glimmers today? And in the moment I responded, no. But then I said, actually, yeah, this is my glimmer. And I think it's that.

I think small wins can be glimmers. It can be a glimmer of, hey, look at this. Here's someone right in front of you that cares about you. Another one was, oh my goodness. My my sister's friend dropped off this beautiful, beautiful bouquet of flowers for me.

She doesn't even know me. I've met her I've met her twice, and she brought me this huge, beautiful bouquet. And I don't know. I was like, I don't know why did you it just, like, kinda blew my mind, and it was just so kind, and that's another glimmer. You know?

And so I just think it's about counting those small wins. You know, getting out of bed, making a meal, taking a deep breath, all of these things are always worth celebrating, and especially because it's not linear. Healing isn't linear. Progress isn't linear. Fitness isn't linear.

Nothing nothing feels linear. It is over the long run, of course, but there will be days that I feel like I'm moving so far backward. And there's days that you feel like the progress you've made the day before vanishes overnight, but these little glimmers and small winds are proof that, you know, we are moving forward even if it is slow and messy. And it's it is not cool of ourselves to expect ourselves to immediately heal, to immediately move on, to immediately be perfect in all aspects and to immediately be able to do these things because it's really we're not able to do that. We're not robots.

We're not robots. And when you allow yourself to take things day by day, you create that space to have growth unfold naturally. And that's what I've been trying to do. I've really been trying not to rush or force myself into any specific timeline and to really honor my own pace, because I actually feel like the advice I've gotten has been really helpful. So I can't say that, you know, everyone outside is gonna give you all these opinions and they're not gonna be helpful because I have felt, excuse me, a lot of help in that way.

But, you know, it's just about honoring your own pace and that's important because it's so personal and it's about what works for you and not what looks impressive to other people. And I think really letting go of other people's perceptions and what they think about you is, is key. I think that for me, at least writing down a small win each day has been really helpful. I think that those always add up. And if you feel like you're also in a space where progress feels slow, that's okay.

I know we're at the beginning of the year where you might seem like it might seem like everyone else is just making so much progress and that might be because they started 6 months ago. So don't don't forget that it's not a race. It's about learning to love and trust ourselves through this process and unlearning that shame and learning where it comes from and how to feel and new ways of of handling that. And I how have I been doing this? How have I been doing this over the last few months?

Well, there's been a few things that I've done and I don't know if I would necessarily recommend them or not, but for me, sleeping as long as I need has been really necessary. And I know this can be seen as harmful in some ways, but for me, I know that I've been so sleep deprived of sorts for a long time and I've not had the necessary rest that I've needed. And I haven't felt okay to have to just be able to just kind of sleep as long as I need to, because that's typically not what to do. Right? So I go to bed at the exact same time every night.

I mean, I'm saying every night. Of course, this doesn't happen every single night, but that's what I've been really intentional about is going to bed at the same time each night. And I haven't set an alarm in the morning, and I really started doing this right when I moved from Asheville to Salt Lake and I wouldn't set an alarm in the morning. And this was just something that I ended up doing naturally. It wasn't intentional at all.

And I know that 95% of you are rolling your eyes because you sleep or you have a full time job or you're in college or you have kids that wake you up and or a baby. And all I can say is like, if this is something you don't relate to, that's totally fine. I completely understand. If this is something you feel like you might need, maybe instead of sleeping in until you need to maybe go to bed earlier. I don't know.

I'm not here to give you advice. This is just what, this is just what I've been doing. This has been working for me as of late. And I've noticed that through doing this, my body is now catching up on its rest and it'll sometimes wake up earlier. The other day I woke up at 6:30 naturally, and I was so excited.

I really was. It was actually crazy. I I haven't had that experience in a long time, and I haven't woken up at 6:30 since, but I have been waking up early and earlier. And when my, my sister works early, early in the morning. And so she's up at like 6 and I asked her if she wouldn't mind just opening up the window when she wakes up because I like going to bed with the window open so that when I wake up, I can wake up with the sunrise, but the city lights do shine in.

So she she's nice and opens up the window for me in the morning. And I'm a lot. I, it allows me to be able to align myself to the circadian rhythm of the sun and it doesn't always happen. I mean, the other day, the other day she was gone and I forgot to leave the window open and I slipped until 11:30 am. Yeah.

I know again, 95% of you are probably rolling your eyes saying that's amazing. I wish I could do that, but I did feel like I was regressing exponentially. And that doesn't mean to say that, like, every night's been perfect. I have always had a really hard time falling asleep. But if I control what I can control, which is when I go to bed, I take my Maggie, my magnesium, and then I just kind of go with the flow from there.

I usually turn on a relaxing podcast. I, my sister introduced me to these. I don't know if they're exercises. They're not exercises. I don't even know if they're affirmations, but it's like this brainwave hurts thing with someone talking and you play it while you sleep.

And it just talks about like your I don't even know. I can't even explain it. Basically, it just, it puts good waves into your brain and helps you develop good self beliefs while you're sleeping, which I think is really cool. So I think I'm gonna start listening to those as well. But the next thing I've been doing is something I did before that I've done, I don't know, for probably over a year or 2 is morning walks and evening walks.

Right when you wake up within the first 20 minutes, get out on a walk. So this will help your body align with the circadian rhythm as well. And in the evening do the same thing. Thankfully, the sun didn't set until, I don't know, 5:15, 5:30 last night. That was nice.

That was really nice. The next thing I've done is force myself to eat because your brain doesn't function without food. It sucks. I know if I had 1 if I could have one wish fulfilled, it'd be to not have to eat because it's just something that takes so much brainpower sometimes. And not to say I don't love food, I do love food.

I I just wish I could eat when I wanted to, and that it didn't have to be all the time in order to have my brain work. And it's weird. I've never felt this way before. I have tech typically actually, I guess I have that. I guess that's a lie, actually.

That is the way that I no, it's not. Okay. I was going down this brain spiral of I've never not wanted to eat. Like I've never not been hungry and I've never dealt with pain or trauma that way. And I was thinking, oh, wait, yeah, you did in high school, but that was not accidental.

That was purposeful. And this is not purposeful. It's very much so like nausea and not wanting to eat. And it's really uncomfortable and I could go all day, but then you're risking so much. You're risking your health and your brain and your muscles, and you just need to be eating consistently.

So within, I think it was 3 weeks of moving back, I got right back onto my training program that I was on before the hurricane happened. Oh my goodness. Because as long as I forget that that happened because that was September 28th from September 28th until, I don't know, November 15th or something has just been like absolutely insane. And so getting back onto that was so good for me because I'm looking at my macros in my phone, and I'm seeing that I'm undereating, so I eat. And even if I don't want to, because sometimes you just have to do that.

And I'm still at a deficit is the crazy thing is I'm still at a deficit with what my macros are at right now because I've had some goals that I want to maintain. And I just haven't been hungry. So that's been really, really, really helpful. It has been to stay on top of that and to eat enough protein and fats and carbs because your body your body needs it. It really does.

So if you're having a difficult time with that, I would really I feel like women women especially do because it's almost like I've seen this on social media where people say, yeah, I went through this, but, like, at least I lost £5. Or I've been stressed, but at least I lost £5. Or I was sick, but at least I lost £5. And I really don't think that that's a healthy mindset to have, and it's not something I wanna have either. And so I really encourage you to still feed your body even if you just are going through a really hard time.

Okay. Next one. Sorry. This is getting really long. Oh my goodness.

I might need to cut some of this out. Okay. The next one is to force oh, no. That was already it. Forcing yourself to saying no to over commitments.

I haven't had a lot of over commitments to say no to. Actually, I think more of I think might have been more holiday focused and not attending every single family function ever, especially when it involves a lot of driving. And I've just kind of said no to a few of those things. I did show up a lot, but I also said no. And I've never done that before.

I have I usually never say no to family functions. And so it it was nice. It was good. Next one is texting or calling a friend for support. For me, that's really meant taking people up on their offers for support and love.

And I've really appreciated them, especially specific ones where it's like, hey, what are you doing this weekend? Let's get together. Or I'm free this day, this day, this day. Let's do this. Or, Hey, I'm heading to Salt Lake.

Let's grab lunch. Those are have been so helpful for me because it takes the pressure off of me to like facilitate everything and to create plans and to execute it and whatnot because my brain capacity is at, like, 5%. And so that's been super, super helpful, and I really appreciated that. But I feel like sometimes you can have these opportunities and people in your life that are trying to do that, and you can say you can not take advantage of it. You can say no.

And I don't think we should be saying no to those things. I think we should really do our best to take them up on that offer. Even if you don't wanna go out and you instead say, well, let's just get takeout and head back to my place and just chill out and, and whatnot. Because I'm I don't know if you're anything like me. I don't wanna go out and be extremely social during times like these.

And I think it's just because I don't feel like I don't want to bring down any energy or anything. So I would prefer to just keep it more, I don't know, more casual, less, less pressure. So I have received some submissions and they apply really well for today's episode. I'm gonna end on on one of them. This one says, I started journaling one sentence a day during one of the hardest periods of my life.

My mom had just passed away, and the weight of grief was so heavy that even the idea of putting my feelings into words felt so overwhelming. But I made myself keep it simple. No pressure to write a page or even a paragraph, just one sentence a day. Some days, all I could muster was something like, I miss her so much or I'm angry that this happened. Other days, I wrote down a memory like how she used to while making breakfast or the way that her laugh would light up a room.

One day, a few weeks in, I decided to flip back through the entries, and that's when I noticed something unexpected. My sentences had started to change. I'd written about a beautiful sunset I saw on a walk, a kind gesture from a friend, and how I felt a little lighter than the day before. And without even realizing it, I began to shift my focus, not away from the grief, but towards moments of gratitude and hope. Journaling has become my lifeline.

It helps me process my losses in small manageable pieces, but it also reminds me of all the love my mom gave me, love that didn't disappear when she's gone. Looking back, those one sentence entries were tiny steps that eventually has led me to a place where I can hold space for both my pain and my healing. This is so important. And they create such a, you know, profound change over time to keep these small, consistent. I don't know these small, consistent habits of, of writing things down and of journaling.

And I've actually, it's interesting. I've literally did the exact same thing this year where anytime I felt any big emotion, I would write it down and, or any sort of anything I would write it down. And it is good looking back on your journal and being able to see like the small glimmers, I guess, is what we were talking about before, of hope and excitement or gratitude or where you're actually able to feel, you know, the sun on your face. And so I'm sorry that you lost your mom. I think that shifting the focus solely on pain when you're finally able to notice those small moments of gratitude and and whatnot is just such an important part of healing.

And I'm not saying, you know, to heal, you have to be grateful. I think that it's a natural progression. And, you know, not ignoring the parts, the hard parts, but allowing the room for hope to grow alongside of the grief. And I don't know. I love that.

And I I would actually add that to my list of things that I've been doing. Journaling. So, so, so important. So I for anyone listening right now who might feel stuck or sad or in a big time of change, I hope that you can take something from what I've been learning and what I've been doing. It is so not easy, especially when you feel a lot of weight of expectations or a weight of the world or a weight of the pressures or the weight of how everything has changed.

Is so hard. And moving forward doesn't mean that you're, you know, that you're sprinting towards the next thing, sprinting towards the next milestone. It means that you're making life manageable. Just small, small, small daily actions and resting, reflecting, finding joy in the small moments. It's not about reaching some perfect version of yourself or about just showing showing people in your life, look at this.

I can do it. Or look at this. I can I can achieve this without you or with your or whatever? But it's about reconnecting with who you've always been underneath these layers of of shame or expectations and survival. So just in case no one has told you today, you are allowed to rest, to take things one breath, one moment, one small step at a time.

Healing isn't about doing it all perfectly. It's about giving yourself the permission, though, to keep going even when it is hard. And you're doing better than you realize. We all are. And we're so worthy of the peace that we're working for and towards, and we can take our time getting there.

So celebrate the small wins and trust that even these small steps forward that we're doing matter. Because even if you don't know what you're building or what you're doing, it's going to be something beautiful. And it's still you know, even if it's still taking shape, it's gonna be something beautiful. So thanks for letting me be corny. Being corny, being silly, it's all we have left.

And, yeah, thank you for spending this time with me. I I hope that you're able to take something from this episode. You know, if it resonated with you, I hope you can take a moment to reflect on what a softer life might look for you. And as always, I'd love to hear your thoughts or stories. Feel free to share them with me.

Link's always in my bio. And with that, I will talk to you guys very soon. Thank you so much for listening to another episode of The Unrelatable Podcast. Byeeeeeeee.