Letting Yourself Be Misunderstood

Feeling like there are a lot of assumptions about you? Today, we're letting go of the need for universal understanding. We’ve all had different life experiences, leading us to crave connection and acceptance. Spoiler alert: not everyone is ready to know your truest self. Tune in for listener submissions, and ways to move forward without needing to prove your value to others.

Submit your Love Notes & Hate Mail today!
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLScb9utYEO46uB5m7u9ry0yqVOSFZlLX1bf9svIHRo8WQHG6Gw/viewform

Thank you so much for listening!

Submit Your Stories:
https://msha.ke/unrelatablepodcast#links-1

Follow The Show: https://www.instagram.com/unrelatablepodcast/

Follow My Socials: https://www.instagram.com/hlfeldt/
https://www.instagram.com/hannahfeldt/

For Bonus Episodes: https://www.patreon.com/TheUnrelatablePodcast

Ad:
Start your podcast today using Buzzsprout! A free podcast hosting platform, making it easy to share your podcast and post episodes. Use this link to receive a $20 credit when you sign up today: https://www.buzzsprout.com/?referrer_id=2221870

Transcript

Our perceptions of people can be wrong, and honestly, most of the time they are. I mean, think about it. We grew up in separate households, different parents, different grandparents, different dynamics, not to mention siblings' experiences are usually completely different from each other. For example, my siblings and I have always said how we were raised completely differently even though we all have the same mother and father. I mean, actually, I didn't even have to live with any step parents.

So that right there is an experience that they alone had to have, and I never did. Another thing is birth order, whether you're born first or last, you know, the oldest to youngest. If you don't even have siblings, if you are an only child, You know, your grandparents and how they raised your parents, I mean, that affects everything. Right? Not to mention life events, COVID 19, which I can't believe that in a few months from now, it will have been 5 years ago that that all began.

And I didn't lose anyone close to me, which I feel very lucky and grateful for. But I did meet a woman in Albania when we arrived to this little cottage out in the middle of nowhere. I'm telling you, we drove on this dirt road. My mom was saying, I don't know if this car is gonna make it. We had maybe 12 inches of ground clearance.

And I said, well, I think it's just ahead, and we kept going. And it was in the middle of these mountains, in this little cottage. And every morning, we all ate breakfast together with all of the other people that were staying at this cottage. And there was this woman who we met, and she said, yeah, I'm traveling the world. I'm by myself.

I just kind of choose where to go day by day. And I've been to this many countries, and I'm all alone. And it's great, and it's wonderful. And so, later on in that week, we then learned that there were reasons that she was on her own. She had lost her partner of 10 years to COVID.

And around the same time, her twin sister passed away from COVID. And as well as one other member of our family, I think it was a brother, but I also know that her parents had passed previously. And so within COVID, she loses 3 people. Her parents are gone. She's been traveling for 2 years alone, exploring the world, probably searching for peace or for answers that she desires.

I mean, I can't say what she what she was searching for because that is a life altering trauma. You know, so many of us have life altering traumas, and this changes the composition of our brains and can really affect how we see and experience life. It affects how we make opinions. It affects our lifestyles. It makes our personalities different.

And so it is so easy to make judgments immediately upon seeing somebody or meeting somebody, whether it's online, social media. It's easy to make assumptions upon learning about somebody's beliefs. I mean, let's talk politics for for 30 seconds. It's a crazy conversation starter right now. And I've been feeling like a lot of people are so much more willing to bring it up in the moment.

And there are times where I can feel uncomfortable or where I do feel uncomfortable, because I already know that my views are probably not going to align. Not probably. In some cases, they're not going to align with somebody else's. But then when you get to know a person, you kind of think, oh, this is why you believe this. This is why you have this perspective.

And though you might still disagree on how policies, jeez, I can speak, should be put into place, you can recognize, okay. Well, this is something that they're passionate about because they've just shared this life experience with me, and that has given them this perspective. Or you might think, okay. I've never had to face these issues, or I've never had family gone through this, or I've never felt this way. So it might just be a discussion where you won't be coming to a mutual understanding, and that's also okay.

I mean, think about it. Have you ever had a really positive experience with something? Whether it be college, maybe you had a wonderful time in college. Maybe it was a teacher. Maybe it was a church experience.

Maybe a hobby. Let's say dogs. I love my dog. You know, crew is my whole world. And when I meet somebody that hates dogs and doesn't even care, like, doesn't ask to see a picture of crew, you know, how dare them.

Right? No. I'm just joking. But, no. When someone has zero interest in even giving and something another opportunity, I might not even initially understand it, and I am probably gonna defend my position that, well, not all dogs are are like the one that you might have experienced.

But in that moment, it's actually less about me and more about the safety and security of that other person. Because at the end of the day, no matter what my experience has been with dogs, with crew, with my dog Phoebe that passed away a few years ago, they have obviously gone through something really hard that has shaped them. And that doesn't necessarily make them wrong. It doesn't make me wrong, and the fact that so many people are walking around this world pointing fingers and trying to figure out who is right and who is wrong is exhausting. It's not necessary, because guess what?

A lot of the time, we are wrong when making assumptions about people. I've made quick judgments about people before, thinking, oh, she didn't seem very friendly to me. She must be shy. And why do we do this? Well, it can be a protective mechanism that our brain does because, obviously, our brain wants to protect us, and we make quick judgments, a lot of times based off of energy that we feel, and it can keep us safe from dangerous individuals or situations.

But sometimes, it ends up keeping us locked away in our own head, in our own opinions, instead of learning something new about other people. And so this is what we're gonna be talking about today, And I've just really wanted to dive deep into the feelings of feeling misunderstood, the feelings of having assumptions being made about you, and, you know, vice versa, making assumptions about other people. Because when we cling to our interpretations of who somebody might be, this will then lead us to misunderstand, essentially, who they are and their actions and the way they live their life. And so if you're interested in this conversation today, I welcome you back to the Unrelatable podcast. When we cling to our interpretations of who somebody might be, this can lead us to misunderstanding people, like I just said.

Right? I mean, we want to be right. On the other side of the coin, we also want to be loved. We want to be understood. But at the end of the day, we cannot be responsible for the versions of ourselves that exist.

We can't be responsible for the ways in which people might think of us, and the opinions that are had. And many of you guys replied to the question that I posted that was, what are some of the misconceptions that people have about you? What has somebody recently assumed about you? And so I have a lot of great submissions I want to share, as well as some stories from the Ask Woman Reddit page. So I'm going to first share those.

And then we will actually finish off today's episode with how we can approach those people that can be invalidating in who we are. Because at the end of the day, there will always be those who will continue to judge us or to place us in their box or framework and have assumptions despite our best efforts. But I think that we can come to a place where we can kind of change the way that we approach these situations by how we process it. And so, yeah, I'm really excited about today's topic. And let's go ahead and dive into the first submission.

She says, there was once a time when I went to do an activity with some friends, and the parent of one of my not so close friends said, why didn't you invite my daughter? That is so rude. However, I never meant to disinclude her daughter, and really hadn't thought of inviting her simply because I wasn't that close to her. I felt hurt by how her mother assumed that I did what I did out of ill intent. Okay.

So first of all, we need to stop being offended with kids not being invited to everything. Don't you remember being a kid how crazy it is? Like elementary school is wild. There are so many kids. Shout out to any and all teachers out there, anyone listening right now that has kids, anyone working with kids.

There are so many neighborhoods filled with kids. I mean, hello, Utah is full of children. My point being, it's hard. But let's try not to be offended unless it's a repeat offense because, honestly, the kids probably didn't even know or realize. I mean, with social media, I know it's so hard to not feel left out.

But it's something that we just cannot we just can't make assumptions. And if you if you have a question, and you want to ask it, instead of saying, you know, that was so rude of you, Maybe just ask like, hey, why didn't you invite my daughter? And then allow the person to respond. You know what I mean? And so I think it's kind of stopping short of making an assumption of somebody until you have all the information.

And some people don't want all the information. Some people actually want to believe that you have ill intent, and we'll talk about that later in today's episode. But, yeah, this is the next story. They said, many people assume I'm spoiled because I am a homemaker. No.

I've been working my butt off for the past 10 years raising my children. Don't get me wrong. I wanted that life and appreciate it. But I actually do work so hard every day, all hours of the day, and people don't value it. You know, I find this a huge discussion, especially where I'm from, which is Utah, as most of you know.

A lot of times, there's so many judgments of how women decide to be a mother. Are they going to be a homemaker? Are they going to be at home with the children? Are they working outside the home? At the end of the day, it's hard no matter what you're doing.

And at the end of the day, there's no place for judgments. And, unfortunately, I mean, I've had this experience in high school so many times where I think I even shared it, where there would be people whose parents really did support them a lot. And maybe they supported them more than I would support my kids, for example, giving just giving them a car. Right? I don't know if I'm going to end up giving my kids a car.

I think it would be helpful. Maybe it can be an exchange of, like, hey. If you keep good grades, then, yeah, you can use our vehicle whenever you'd like. Because at the end of the day, this is this is such a spiel, but I feel like working in high school, because you're stressed about money, and you're stressed about paying for your gas, or your car insurance, or paying off your car, or paying for your clothes and shoes, and all that kind of stuff. I feel like that can actually really take away from your schoolwork, and that can take away from being able to be a kid.

So there is, like, a fine line and there is a balance, But I'm not gonna go to somebody and, you know, tell them, hey, you're spoiling your children. You're doing this. You're doing that. You're actually spoiled because you were given a car. That is not that's not my place.

That's not your place. And there were people in high school that I was around who did have these opportunities. And is it natural to maybe feel some feelings of jealousy sometimes? Maybe. I mean, probably, yes.

But we can keep that to ourselves sometimes. I don't know. I just feel like it's something that's difficult. Because, again, maybe they used to not be spoiled in the beginning. Maybe their parents came from a lifestyle that was really poor, and they worked really hard.

And now they're providing this for their children, and that's how they wanna do it. And so there's just so many layers. Right? Okay. This next one.

This is so relatable. They say, the only possible reason behind me having a bad day or being irritable is that I'm on my period. No. I've been having a crappy time, and I'm tired and annoyed. It has nothing to do with my uterus.

When people say, are you on your period? Or you must be on your period. Or, okay. Yeah. That makes sense that you're on your period.

I'm like, I'm so sorry. Valid, but also, if I am on my cycle, valid. But if I'm not, I'm thinking, actually, no. I I am allowed to have these emotions outside of the 2 week window that is my cycle. And so I think we can stop with that immediately.

Okay. This next one says, my mom believes that because I'm overweight, I eat large portions and a lot of unhealthy food. In reality, I eat normal portions, and I try very hard to keep my meals nutritious for both me and my family. But my body weight has simply decided that a £180 is the weight to be. Shrugs?

Oh, well. This is something that needs to be universally understood. I mean, I feel like we are walking away from this belief. I mean, I grew up in, you know, the 2000. It's the 2000.

What was that? 24 years ago. It's so weird. It's so weird. Anyways, during that time during the time I was in middle school and high school, it was you it was skinny.

Right? And I know that the skinny trend has actually come back. If you didn't know that, then that's great. Keep doing whatever you're doing to not know that. But there's so much pressure around it where so many people make assumptions when they might see someone that they may think is overweight.

Oh, they just must not be working hard enough. And it's just so much more complex than that. I mean, I've met so many, so many women that have struggled with PCOS, and they literally need to stay at the weight that they're at. But they're so physically active. They're working out more than I am.

They are outside more than I am. You know what I mean? And so it's just not a cool thing to assume that. I mean, none of these are. Right?

And that that goes without saying. But, yeah, it's just can we not comment and give people tips about bodies and nutrition unless they ask for it? Compliments outside of image and body image, and compliments based on personality and your intellectuality and all that kind of stuff just mean so much more anyways. So let's go with those. This one says, I'm pregnant for the first time right now, and I want to be pregnant, and I want kids.

But let me tell you, this is the grossest, weirdest, most uncomfortable, not fun thing that I've ever done. People who think pregnancy is just this magical time are a complete mystery to me. PS, apparently, getting hit on by strangers because you're pregnant is common. Ick. Oh, my gosh.

Okay. I feel like this is this is funny because, I guess, they're saying, like, I guess, you're saying, you know, that you're confused by people's mystical magical time of being pregnant. And it's so wild because pregnancy differs so much person to person. This is not news to anybody. I know.

Hannah did not discover this. Hannah did not discover the fact that pregnancy is different for everybody, and that the complexities around getting pregnant and infertility and pregnancy and all that jazz is not, you know, going to be the same. But it is wild that there is, like, a pregnancy, What would that be called? A pregnancy I don't wanna call it fetish. But that does kinda sound like a fetish of being hit on because you're pregnant, and that's very weird and strange.

And it's true. It's probably not going to be the experience that you thought it was. In fact, I've met people where well, actually, I feel like almost I don't wanna say every single mother has been this way, where one pregnancy is really great, and the next one really sucks. And then the next one's really great, and the next one sucks. And they're always just so different.

And so, yeah, I hope that you get to eventually experience the mystical magical time because I don't know. I honestly feel like the having a hard time and, you know, feeling weird is more common than not. Okay. This next submission says, people assume that I am an extrovert and also very confident. I am, in fact, an introvert, and I am very anxious.

I just have a let's get shit's done attitude, and I am very task oriented due to my performance anxiety. And I am a good communicator. This is apparently enough to make people believe false things. I feel very similar to you, girlfriend. I feel like it is so so so common to miss misaddress people, to make assumptions that, oh, they must be like I was saying earlier, if I meet someone and they're not automatically warm to me, I think, oh, they must be introverted.

Well, maybe they're not introverted. Maybe they just don't know you yet, Hannah. Maybe you're coming off really strong, which I know I can. I just feel like, honestly, I'm somebody that opens up really quickly to people upon meeting them. Yeah.

This is probably also isn't news, because I do share a lot of things in my mind. And so maybe that can come off inauthentic and weird. But, yeah, most oftentimes, I mean, I shared with you guys last week on my episode about depression, social anxiety for me is so high. Performance anxiety is so high. In fact, I've been having a hard time recording my podcasts in a timely manner because I've been getting performance anxiety.

I've been anxious about the fact that I don't know what to say. I don't wanna honestly, like, I wanted I want what I say to be articulated really well, and I'm just not in a place right now where my brain is clear. Like, my brain is foggy most of the time. And so, I'm working with what I got though, and this is just a phase of life that I'm in. And it can sometimes be invalidating.

Yeah. Like they were saying, if you are being told that you are one way, and you actually don't feel that way. And so I think a way that we can learn these things about people is just by asking questions. And you could maybe say, hey, you seem very confident, and are you an extrovert? And then opens up the opportunity for someone to share.

But if you don't end up sharing, then nobody's gonna know. Right? No one's no one's gonna know that they've misaligned how you actually feel. And so it kind of has to go about both ways with the vulnerability. Okay.

This next one says, I don't have piercings anymore. But back when I had several piercings in my face, people were surprised to learn that I have a driver's license. I don't know how they came to the conclusion that people with piercings can't drive. This one's funny. I'm glad that we have a funny one here.

This is just wild to me, and I have, like, no other comments to say because I don't understand that either. But I oh my gosh. I used to overthink my nose ring so much. As you know, I have an episode all about the fact that this is the 3rd time I've pierced my nose, and I did remove it because of people's perceptions of it. And because of I mean, there were deeper reasons and meanings and whatnot, and you can go listen to that if you wanna know.

But it's just so interesting how I mean, I'm going to generalize I'm going to generalize right now, and I'm going to make an assumption that the people thinking that are probably boomers, because they don't understand any facial piercings. Let's let's be honest. Unless you have a wait. Boomers were not born in the sixties. Right?

No. Are they? I guess, maybe no. They're not. Okay.

I'm just thinking out loud here. Because I was, like, I know there was, like, that huge hippie era and probably more facial piercings then. But, yeah. Anyways, next submission. Most people assume that I'm standoffish at social gatherings.

I have a hearing impairment, and I actually can't understand most conversations in a lot of situations. Loud music, lots of people in a small space, big events, hearing aids don't help for my condition, so people won't know that I'm hearing impaired unless I tell them. I do my best to nod along and to laugh when it sounds like someone's telling a joke, but it can get stressful and exhausting to be in those situations. So sometimes, I just end up leaving conversations awkwardly, and I'm usually the first person to leave. Thick accent thick accents can also be hard for me to understand, so I've gotten chewed out because people think I'm prejudiced.

I try to explain myself when it's appropriate, and sometimes people try to apologize, but other times, they assume I'm lying. Again, I understand why people might come to that conclusion because there are a lot of bigoted people out there who will say any old b s because they don't want to interact with people that are different, but it doesn't feel great. I feel like this is such a good example of just asking. Like, if we just asked people to understand a little bit better, then we would understand. But the thing is is, usually, we don't get to know people deep enough.

I mean, think about it. Most of the people that we're making assumptions about, we don't entirely know them. And it's difficult because I mean, have you ever been watching a reality TV show, and they walk through the front door, and they're being introduced to the woman or the men. I'm talking, like, a dating reality show. And you just autumn automatically make assumptions about them.

Like, oh, they look like they're from this part of the states, or this is something that I'm assuming. I don't wanna say it because I, usually, I try to really not make assumptions about people, but, man, does reality TV bring it out of me. But I feel like it's a hall pass. Is it a hall pass asking for a friend? Thank you very much.

I'm quite often actually humbled by these these people because then, well, what happens during the reality TV show? Well, you learn about them, you learn about their history, you usually learn about why they are the way they are because they start sharing the difficult experiences that really built them up to have the personality that they have. And so, you know, sometimes I may think, oh, they just have 2 completely different personalities, and she doesn't seem very really comfortable around him. But it might just take somebody a little bit more time to become familiar and to trust somebody, and there's usually a deeper reason to that. Right?

Okay. So this next submission says, I am in a religious and conservative community, but I am single and child free, and I'm absolutely killing it career and travel wise. People at church assume I'm unhappy because I am unwed and unmothered. I get kind of mad because I've built this life on purpose. I love my faith, and I'm not living quote unquote quote unquote wrong just because it's not their way of living.

I feel like this is something that's really big right now. They're not big right now, necessarily, like it's not anything new. It's just more talked about. And I feel happy that it is something that is being discussed more freely. Because there was a time where it was, Hey, this is the way to live and this is the wrong way to live.

And so if you see people doing it this way, just know that they're not as happy as you are. And having a belief system where you are automatically assuming that you have the most happiness and other everybody else doesn't, it doesn't necessarily open up our minds to be able to connect with people that maybe don't believe the same things as we do, or maybe don't have the same life experiences as we do. And I think also the definition of success can shift, and it shifts for everybody. And it changes for everybody. I mean, for all we know, whoever submitted this submission could have been the oldest daughter or the oldest son in their family.

And, I guess I guess, it's it would be woman because unmothered was the term that they used. But, you know, they could have been they could have raised their siblings for most of their childhood. You know what I mean? They could have been the main caretakers of their parents. And so now, you know, like, now they're taking some time for themselves, and it's like, oh, my gosh.

All they want to do is have some peaceful time on their own and to feel fulfilled in other ways. And just because someone's fulfill fulfilled. Man, I'm having a lot of really fun word vocabulary, pronunciation issues today. But just because someone finds fulfillment in a different way than you do, it's just like that dog example. I used to never understand why people liked cats.

I know. I know. Offensive to many of you. It's okay. I never understood it.

I thought why. I thought listen. I don't think this anymore. But I thought, okay. They're boring.

They don't do much. They sit around. You're not playing fetch with them. You're not taking them to the park. You're not going hiking.

It's just an at home thing, and I never really understood it because, I guess, I just like a lot of interaction with my dog. But now I do because I've had friends where they have a cat or they have several cats, and they're actually the most loving cats. And their their cats play, and they're self sufficient. They don't have to take them out. They could leave for a week, and their cat's going to be just fine.

And so it's just super interesting because it's true. It's not living wrong just because it's their way of living. This next one says, an assumption people make is that I'm miserable because I'm fat. Let me tell you, I have a lot of reasons to feel bad, but being fat is one of the least of them. You know, I watched an interview the other day, and it was of this really successful guy.

I'm not forgetting his name, but he was on Drew's podcast. And he said that a lot of times people will comment on his social media that he's overweight and that he's fat and all these things. And he's like, you don't think that that that I know that? And also, you don't think that I just don't care? Like, it's it's something that people target to be rude.

Because why would we make an assumption that somebody is miserable because of something about their lifestyle. I know why. Well, it's because we're told that working out makes you happy and it's this and this and that. Well, surprise. Let me be your golden example.

It's that. But that is not always the case. That lifting consistently doesn't just mean that you're going to be super happy and having a body of a certain type like, it will never be about that. Happiness doesn't come from what you look like. And so it's just kind of wild that people still have these interpretations.

Okay. This is the next one. A lot of people assume that I'm going to have kids one day when I have repeatedly said, I don't want kids. My mom always says I will change my mind, that kids are a blessing, that they are that they go to the people that they want. But after my childhood, I'm not having any kids.

Plus, pregnancy and childbirth scare me. And this is something that's really valid. And I don't know if it is discussed in any of your circles, but I feel like the more and more more and more of my friends that are having children, I see the joy that comes out of it. And I recognize that. And, you know, I also do want to have children one day, but I can totally see how people would say, no, I don't want kids.

Because a lot of the times, people's childhoods are not great. And if we can understand that, and if we can understand that there are situations that literally shape our desires for the world, that shape if we want kids immediately upon getting married, or if we end up waiting, I think a lot of people or at least assumptions that I've been told to myself about why I don't have kids yet is that I'm waiting to be ready to have kids. And this is such a heavy or not heavy topic, but an interesting and very intricate discussion in and of itself. Because so many people say you're never going to be ready. You're never going to be ready because there's a million surprises, there's a million things that happen that you won't expect, and there's just no way that you can be prepared for motherhood.

And while I completely understand why that's said, I do think there are several things that you can do to prepare yourself. I think you can really prepare yourself by going to therapy for your childhood. Right? You can go to therapy for your communication styles with yourself, with your partner. You can be ready financially.

You can have a good home for them to come into. You can be able to afford food. You can you know what I mean? You can do all these things, and then, of course, there's gonna be things that happen along the way that you would have never expected. But I I don't believe in the mindset that you will never be ready.

Because it's true, you might not be, quote, unquote, ready, but there's a difference between being ready and being prepared. And I think being prepared is something that I have more aligned with. Obviously, you can't be ready for every scenario. I know I'm just repeating myself at this point, But it also comes down to childhood experiences. Right?

There's so many children that end up being born into homes where finances are a big issue. Money is a big issue. And the support and the how do I explain this? I mean, okay, I grew up we grew up going to the food pantry. Right?

So, for example, we couldn't afford food. And I'm so grateful that my parents kept having kids and that I have my siblings that I have. I will always be grateful for that. But finances and food and Christmases were always stressful, not always stressful. They were stressful topics.

They were stressful conditions, and I always told myself this will never be something that I submit my kids to. And that's my own personal decision. Right? But I just remember going to the food pantry and picking up a toy, because they had toys this one day. And I wanted to take it home, and my mom said, no.

We need to leave that for the other less fortunate children. And I just remember thinking, like, why can't I have this toy? And that was probably a good lesson, right, of giving even lesser fortunate children those things. But there's so many complexities to this. It's not just the food.

It was I know it was a pride thing with myself because going into middle school is where all of a sudden you're comparing your clothes to everybody. And all of a sudden, you're thinking, wait a minute. Her hair is beautiful. Who's doing her hair? And you learn, like, these mothers are doing their daughter's hair for school, or they've taught them how to curl their hair.

Meanwhile, both of my parents are working, and I can't be taught these things. Or meanwhile, ever since I was 12, I'm buying my own clothes, and I'm buying my own shoes. And I have jobs to do that. And it can feel it can build up resentment towards the very people that are raising you, and that's not fair towards my parents. Right?

You can't prepare for a lot of situations that happen in life that might leave you with financial issues. That's just a fact of life. But what I can do for our children is to, I don't know, just kind of lessen my worries and stress in certain areas. And it's it's really it's really complex, and there's so many things to it. But that is something that's why I can understand why people don't wanna have kids.

It's because, honestly, I feel like a lot of times, the people that don't want kids have put so much thought into them. They've put so much thought of, okay. Is this something that I can support? Can I do my best at this? And they decide, no, I can't.

And so I'm not going to put a child in a situation where they won't be in the best place. And I can honestly respect that. I really can. And if you disagree, that's totally fine too. But I think that there's a place where we can understand these things.

And there's a place where if someone says they don't want kids, then you can understand it. I mean, heaven forbid, there's so many people that struggle with infertility issues that want kids so badly that then can't. And it's just not like, life is never going to be fair. And so the kid question, I feel like most people have gotten really so much better at this at asking at at not asking, when are you gonna have kids? Like, are you still thinking about having kids and this and this and that?

I feel like it's something that's not asked casually. It's more asked between close friends, and I think that that's something that's really important to continue. Of course, there's always gonna be boomers who ask and parents and and whatnot, but I definitely think that this is something that is hopefully getting better. And just to rewind one more time with what I was saying about, like, having enough money for kids and all these things. It's not really material.

It's not really materialistic. It's not really the angle I'm coming from. It's more the fact that finances are something that can really put so much stress on a mother and a father when they're trying to take care of their kids. It doesn't help the marriage. It doesn't help the children.

And it can lead to so many to so many unfortunate events. And so I feel like that's kind of why I mean, that that's actually not my number one reason. But that's just something that I definitely have felt really strongly about too because I also feel like I might have had I mean, I'll never know. But I'm feel as if I might have had a better experience in school. And maybe I would have gone to college, maybe I would have graduated college if I wasn't working until 11 pm on school nights, you know, in the mall that was just torn down, sadly.

If I wasn't working super late shifts in order to pay for my sports. I just feel like maybe those things would have changed my ability to be able to concentrate better in school and to be able to, I don't know, just have a different type of school experience and to be more motivated to do school. The only motivation of school was because I had to maintain good grades in order to plan play my games and to do whatever I was doing with sports. And so, yeah, there's just a lot of complexities when it comes to that. And I think telling people that they're selfish for not having kids is something I think it's the opposite.

Like I was saying, I think the people that have decided not to are doing it because they actually care a lot about a child's experience, and they are not having children for themselves. A lot of people out there have children to almost cure their own childhood wounds. And that's when it becomes a tricky line. That's when that's when parents end up expecting children to be their best friend, to be just like them, and when their child ends up showing traits that might be different than them, when their child isn't like them and doesn't want to adopt the same hobbies and actually challenges their belief system, it can cause rocky relationships when, when there's those unset expectations. And so, yeah, there's just so many it's such an honestly complex topic.

But, yes. Okay. Let's move on to the next submission. This one says, people assume I must be having a midlife crisis because I have been getting a lot of tattoos. Truth is that I've always wanted them, and now I can afford them.

And you shall get your tattoos, and I support you a 110%. That's so funny. It's so true. Tattoos are very expensive, and so go get all the ones you want. This next one says, people assume that when I post on social media about our trip that I'm ready that I'm rubbing their noses in our success.

I just want to share the joy of travel with others, with that cute face with, like, the puppy eyes. You know, that emoji? Yeah. This is I think sharing travels is beautiful. And I think that it's, like, I don't know if you guys have ever had this thought when you're traveling of, oh, my gosh.

I just wish that my siblings could be here, or I wish I could share this experience with this person or that person. You know, I wish they were right here with me. That's what I'm assuming that's where I'm assuming you're coming from. And I think that's pure, and I think, you know, you have to have your own intentions. And when you know your intentions, you end up having enough confidence to stand by them and to continue doing so.

So keep sharing your joy of traveling because you deserve it. And if you're traveling a lot, you've worked hard to be able to get to that point, And you have probably just different priorities. And that was one thing that I really talked about a lot in my traveling episode is life shifts and moves so differently for everybody that priorities come in, in waves. There's there's gonna be a time where you can travel, whether it's before kids, whether it's after kids, whether it's with your kids. There's there's gonna be a time and a place, and maybe there isn't.

Maybe you don't like traveling. I know people that have zero desire to leave the United States of America. Is that wild to me? Yeah. Do I, like, kind of understand why they would feel this way because they're scared?

Of course. But in my opinion, I'm like, you you should still try because there's so many amazing things you learn about yourself and about other people and the cultures. Anyways, you don't need me to tell you. But, yeah, keep sharing your joy of traveling. We love to see it over here.

I had a breakdown one day and realized I'm sick of being told I am resilient. I don't want to be told I'm resilient. I want some support. I've gotten better at just asking for what I need now, especially when I open up about whatever I'm struggling with, And they usually start up with the, quote, you've got this, mama. You're so strong.

Nothing you can't handle. BS. I will now chime in with, actually, it's been really rough. Are you able to help with picking up groceries, watching baby for 2 hours, coming on a walk with me? People are more willing to help than I thought, but I just needed to be direct, and I also needed to steer them away from the resilience talk.

Man, this is a good one. This is a good one to end on because I'm guilty of telling people that they're resilient and that they're strong. And I think that, oftentimes, instead, instead of making that comment on somebody's post of you're so strong, you're this, you're that. I mean, you can do that, of course. But maybe in addition, we can send them a text and ask, hey.

Do you need any groceries? I'm heading to the store, and I can swing by and drop one off. Or, hey, what's your address? I wanna send you something, and then deliver, you know, a DoorDash meal or deliver write a cute note and send it for, you know, the dollar that stamps cost. And I think that that just means a lot.

But it's true what you said, how a lot of times people aren't going to know unless you share. And I almost feel like social media kind of allows people to share things more now that they maybe wouldn't have before because there's this wonderful feature called reposting. You can repost to TikTok. You can share a post to your story. And a lot of times, when I see people posting those kinds of things, I feel like we can take it as a chance to ask.

Because it's almost as if they're putting out a bid for attention. They're putting out a bid for a conversation starter. And, I mean, maybe not all the time. Maybe they don't want it. But if they didn't, they probably wouldn't post a conversation starter.

Right? And so a lot of times, we can just be even just that listening ear. Maybe we don't have anything to offer other than listening, and I think that is, honestly, the most valuable thing that we can do is listen. So I feel like the other side of being of being misconstrued, of being misinterpreted and having assumptions being made about you and being misunderstood. It's really hard when people are critiquing, when people are talking behind your back.

It's really, really, really hard to not want to constantly defend yourself, to not desire to to have people take your word from your mouth and not from others. It's really hard not to personalize the critiques that are given. There's this quote that I really like, and it goes, it is not your responsibility to be attractive. It's not your responsibility to be likable or to be easily understood. It is your responsibility to pursue and to wear and to do the things and to say the things that make you feel the most alive.

Spend time with people who make you feel alive. Spend less time with people who do not, who suck it out of you. This is your life, and you're allowed to make up the rules as you go. And you're also allowed to break the rules that you once created for yourself. It is our responsibility to be kind, but it's not our our responsibility to be understood by everybody.

Because at the end of the day, we can't ever control what people are assuming about us. Right? I can't control how I'm being perceived, and I will never be able to ever, ever, ever. And we're the only individuals. We're the only people that know a 100% of the experiences that we have each gone through that have brought us to this point in our lives.

I mean, there might be things that you have not shared with 99% of the people in your life. And so instead of us just walking around and assuming we know everything about everybody else, why they're making this the decisions they've made and making assumptions, well, what we're doing is just invalidating somebody's entire life experience. And we're also robbing ourselves of the opportunity of getting to know them on a deeper level. One thing that I find really interesting is that we can ask ourselves well, this seems like kind of funny and kind of obvious, but we can ask ourselves, okay. What is the other person feeling and experiencing, and how can I hold space for it when they're giving these assumptions, when they're saying these things?

Because if somebody's saying, why don't you have kids yet? You must take kids or why don't you have kids yet? They want to feel validated in their decisions to have kids and their belief system. And it might raise questions or doubts in their own mind that they're uncomfortable sitting with. Okay.

Maybe kids isn't the best example for this. Let's say let me think. What's one that we could say? We could just say, feelings and beliefs. Let's let's just say about the belief system.

You know, if you have a different view politically or with religion, and somebody makes an assumption about that, and they're sharing things that aren't actually true. And, you know, they're making these assumptions, and they're saying their opinion, they're having an opinion on your life. Well, oftentimes, they do believe it's an attack on their life decisions and their belief system. And it might raise questions like I was saying before that they just don't want to feel. And instead of reflecting on it, instead of reflecting on their own doubts and their own thinking of, oh, hey, I've actually never thought about this.

This is why it makes me uncomfortable, and this is why I shut down any type of conversation that's leading this way. I'm not saying you can't have boundaries, but we don't need to accept the blame or the processing of our life choices that other people do. And we can kind of look at it from a place of understanding to help us relieve, if that's a good word, you know, relieve some of the the responsibility that we might feel to fix it or to rephrase it in hopes of being understood. It's about giving people the benefit of the doubt when you're not understanding them. And I'm not saying you have to be around these people or you should actively try to be around these people and open up your boundaries.

But just being able to allow it to slide off of our shoulders a little bit easier and kind of think, Hey, they're obviously triggered by something I said or by the way I live my life or a belief system that changed for me. And that's just going to say more about them and gives you information about them. And, you know, because I'm sorry. People aren't gonna give it to you, I'd say, even half the time. And when people don't give you the benefit of the doubt, when they don't understand, when they make assumptions, when they interpret you wrong, we have to let them.

We have to let ourselves be misunderstood. Let yourself be misunderstood. Let them be wrong about you. Let them not want to understand you for who you are as a person. Let them make the assumptions.

I know it's it feels painful. It doesn't feel fair. It doesn't feel it just doesn't feel right. I understand the desire to not be misrepresented. I understand the desire of wanting to share.

No. It's deeper than this. You you just don't understand the complexities of these decisions, of this or that, whatever you're being misunderstood with. And we just have to let them. Because when people care when people care about us, when they have good intentions, they're going to seek to understand, and that will then lead to open conversations and healthy discourse.

But there will always be people that make assumptions, so let them. Let them be who they are. Let them have their opinions, because guess what? It doesn't change who you are, because you're pretty great, and it's an honor to be you. And I'm learning this day by day, but it's an honor to be me too.

It's an honor to be yourselves and to express ourselves and who we are. Being able to be authentic and true to you only comes when we let go and take the power back of people's opinions. Caring about being misunderstood, caring about the assumptions just takes our power away. And, you know, it's an honor to be around you. It's an honor to be loved by you and to experience you.

You can't expect you from other people. This is something I'm trying to do is to stop accepting me from other people. The way that I show up, the way that I seek to understand, the way that the way that I'm perfect. No. That that literally sounds like what I'm saying.

I'm like, oh, yeah. I do this perfectly. I don't do this perfectly. But it's just something where, oftentimes, we want to meet people where we are at, and we hope that they're gonna be in the same level of understanding, the same level of empathy, the same level of, honestly, being able to have difficult conversations. And we can't expect that because so many times, I'm so guilty of this, but we search for ourselves and other people.

You know, we want to be loved the way that we love others. And so when we're misunderstood, misquoted when assumptions are made, it's hurtful, and it can hurt. But at the end of the day, our most powerful tool is our own self worth, and our value and our opinion about ourselves. And that leads to confidence. Right?

This only leads us to people that live life and approach topics that might be difficult or, you know, having disagreements with healthy boundaries. Because when we have confidence, we're okay with being misunderstood, because it brings us closer to people who seek to understand rather than to assume. And it creates authenticity, which then leads us to other people that share the same sort of authenticity. And it will only grow our confidence, you know, instead of being a person that is seeking to be a people pleaser and to be kind of a chameleon with everybody, you know, adapting to everybody around us. If we settle into who we are, and we aren't afraid of being misunderstood because we're so secure within ourselves, that's what it comes down to.

And I don't have this down by any means, if you couldn't tell from my last episode. But, yeah, being able to have the confidence to accept ourselves as we are and to let others misinterpretations slide off our shoulders. I mean, I feel like that's just a skill. Right? Confidence isn't a personality trait.

It's a skill set. Confidence is feeling competent in who you are and what you're doing. And it's when you know and you understand that if somebody feels some type of way about you, well, it's none of your business. And you don't care. You don't wanna hear about it.

And it just slides off your back. And I feel like being defensive when this happens, defensiveness, it usually comes from insecurity. And being defensive usually means you feel like you have something to lose. And so when we end up being strong and secure, the opposite of defensiveness, it means that we can hear somebody else's opinion of ourselves and think, okay. Cool.

Well, that's your truth, and this is mine. And go ahead and have an opinion about who I am and create this story, that's okay. Because I'm secure enough to know who I am, and I've done the work and this and this and that. Right? Because at the end of the day, nobody can sell you your confidence.

Nobody determines what part of your personality or which parts of your story are valid and are not valid. You don't require any sort of fixing to have confidence, and this could be a whole other episode because it's a skill set. And for myself, it's ever flowing. It may go up at times, and it may trickle down into the gutter and feel completely gone. Right?

But it also is fluid in many different areas of life. For example, I'm confident with my skills in the gym. I am confident with my form. I am confident that I will not injure myself. Do I take precautions?

100%. And that's also why I have that sort of confidence. But, for example, I am not confident with my social skills at pottery, as I told you before. I'm not confident even with pottery. And if someone were to tell me that I suck, would that hurt my feelings?

Probably because I'm in a vulnerable place right now of thinking that everything that I make is actually spectacular, simply because it stood up and it didn't explode in the kiln. But, you know, at my core, I know who I am, and I know that I am a good person with even better intentions. And you do too. And sometimes being confident means being okay with feeling uncomfortable in situations where you can't control everything. You know, being confident is willing to put yourself in situations and to try things that you've never done before.

And I'm working on this, you know, because this leads to being able to be more authentic to yourself. Because then you're not conforming to be understood, and you're not upholding expectations that others around you have had in hopes of being understood, in hopes of blending in, in hopes of people pleasing, and doing things that you hope other people would want. And all of these end up being what do they end up being? Well, a lot of times they're trauma responses, and they come from a deep insecurity in childhood. And it's just, you know, we're we're each figuring out these things as we get older, and we're learning which things deeply impacted us and which things that we end up needing to work on because our own triggers, our own responsibility.

I'm saying that because it is annoying. It is annoying. I wish it was not my responsibility, but it is. And, you know, the fact that we don't exist in black and white thinking. We have so much depth to ourselves.

We have to think, okay, who is running the show in our mind? Whose voice is it that I'm hearing? Is it mine? Or is it somebody else's? And most of the time, it's a mix of everybody we've ever been around.

Most often, it's figures in our life that impacted us in our childhood, whether positive or negative. And then with social media being thrown in this and being in the workforce, creating new relationships, meeting new people, we continue to add to our inner narration in our mind, our inner narrative about our opinions in life and who we are and what we feel. And sometimes we end up putting the wrong voices on a pedestal, and we believe people when we shouldn't. You know, the people that maybe weren't so soft with us or her or who weren't graceful, who didn't give us a benefit of the doubt. And so when we think of who's running the show in our mind, are we going to start allowing these outside perspectives who may be commentating on our life choices and experiences to keep affecting us?

I mean, I know I'm guilty of caring way too much about this because it's an isolating feeling when you're being misunderstood. But I hope that you feel less alone because it is near impossible to be 100% understood. Like I said, our journeys are so unique and so individual. Our lives are so unique, and even our parents and childhood best friends won't and can't know the fullest extent of what it's like to be ourselves. And so the most important person to know who you are is yourself.

You know, you can get lost in the hopes of being liked and understood by everybody else that you lose yourself. I mean, that was something that I had a really hard time in high school. I wanted to be liked and understood by everybody, and you end up attracting the wrong crowds when all you're wanting is to feel loved and to be accepted by everyone. We're not going to be understood by everyone because people can only understand from their own level of understanding. And I don't want to make this episode a 1000000 years long.

And so I'm going to end it now, and I just hope that this was I hope this resonated with with some of you, with any of you. I think that the fear of being perceived and the fear of making mistakes and the fear of being misconstrued and not accepted and misunderstandings and all these things. You know, I've talked about the fear of being perceived so many times, and it's always what I'm working on. And I think it's just such a fan a fascinating topic because, honestly, it's ever flowing. Honestly, it's always flowing.

Like I was saying with confidence, confidence can come and it can go, and there will be scenarios that make us second guess ourselves. But at the end of the day, we just have to realize that, hey, whose voice are we making more important? You know? Is it everybody around us, or is it ourselves? Do we have a belief that we are a good person, that you are a good person, that I'm a good person?

And so, yeah, I just I really enjoyed sharing that today. I feel like confidence is a whole other a whole other discussion. And I frankly believe that I cannot give my any more 2¢ about it because it's something that I'm really working on right now. It's something that's complex. But, yeah, thank you so much for listening.

I wanted to tell you guys, I'm introducing a new series called Love Notes and Hate Mail. I forget if I shared this on the last episode. But, essentially, you know, I've been sharing my weekly Friday recaps and kind of breaking down what I'm going through at times in my life, day to day, as well as, you know, kinda like what the what the rest of the world is going through. Whether it's deep, whether it's not deep, but I want to create this space for you to share what's going on in your life. So this is where you can share your weekly Friday recaps.

This is where you can share your innermost thoughts and changes in life, whether it's, you know, a new career or weird family dynamics, whether you went to an event and you had a crazy experience and you wanna talk about it, if you're in a big transition in life, or if you wanna share a recent accomplishment, you get the gist. It's not really an advice column, but more like an unrelatable check-in. You know, some unrelatable check ins, our monthly sister chat. I feel like James Charles calling it that, so we're not gonna do that. But let me be your hype woman.

Tell tell us what you're loving, what you're hating, everything on your heart, whether it's, you know, a sentence or a huge story. You can do whatever you want. It's all anonymous. You can submit it in the link in my Instagram bio, and I'll also share it in today's podcast description to make it nice and easy. Lastly, I just wanna say thank you.

Thank you so much for your responses, about last week's episode. Depression is such a complex, crazy experience, and I really appreciate having a space where we can talk about these things openly. And I especially appreciate connecting with you guys through DMs and texts and, you know, however you reach out when you resonate with these topics that I talk about. Because at the end of the day, it's really the message is that none of us are alone, no matter how unique our experience may feel, no matter how unrelatable it might feel. It's just always something that we can talk about because I don't I'm not I don't skip around the feelings.

It's kinda like if someone asks you how your day is, and you're like, well, go listen to this episode of the unrelatable podcast cause that's how I'm feeling right now. Instead of just being, like, yeah, I'm good. You know, I feel like it's just something that is meant to be kind of more personal. And even if you don't relate or, you know, understand everything that's being said, I think that's kind of the point. Right?

Kind of what we've been talking about today is we're all coming from so many different perspectives and understandings, and it's just nice to be able to talk about these kinds of topics. So, anyways, I'll stop talking. I appreciate you, and I hope you have the most wonderful weekend. I'm thinking weekly Friday recaps will be back soon, so stay tuned. Thank you so much for listening to the Unrelatable podcast, and I'll see you later.

Byeeeee!