My Experience With Depression

Grab your popcorn and safety goggles, because today we're talking about the world of depression. Specifically, my current struggles and how I've been coping (or not)

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Transcript

Hi. Hello. Depression is back. Do you wanna hear about it? K.

I'm gonna tell you. Depression for me comes and goes in big waves, and this has just been a pretty big wave. And, mom or dad, if you're listening, I'm fine. It's just this level of depression this time around has been so much heavier in my life. So super fun, super cool stuff we're gonna be talking about today.

And so if you wanna hear about it, then welcome back. Grab some popcorn, some safety goggles because you're gonna need it. I'm gonna speak on it today as well as kind of the things I've been doing to help myself. And if you're in a similar mindset, you might find some things that you can relate to. So with that, welcome back to the Unrelatable podcast.

Even last year when I felt that my depression had been lifted for a lot of the year. As I discussed in my ketamine episodes, this was around March, April when I got help for that. There would still be that 1 to 2 weeks before my cycle when I would feel those feelings of sadness. And then I could usually expect my cycle to come in. You know what I mean?

So it always made sense. But after experiencing Ketamine, that feeling of sadness or depression in a way, it didn't come with the overwhelmingly heavy sense of hopelessness that my depression has always carried. It was more of, honestly, just a wave of emotions that I knew would eventually pass. I didn't feel as serious. Right?

But recently, it's been so much more than normal, so much more consistent, it doesn't lift. It doesn't stop and it's still so much worse during the 2 weeks before my cycle, even more so. And so my symptoms right now are pretty much everything that you can think of. And the thing is, is that it just doesn't make sense. We are in the height of summer.

The sun is out. I just went traveling. In fact, twice this year, I am in 2 pottery classes. I'm meeting lots of people, but it doesn't feel good. None of it feels good.

I mean, I can't say traveling didn't feel good because of course it did. But things right now, I guess, daily life, it nothing's feeling good because what is the depression paired with? Anxiety, of course, an incredible amount of anxiety. And though I've been familiar with depression for most of my life, anxiety is something that I didn't experience really very much at all, or I guess maybe social anxiety until the spring of 2021. And it was just a wave of events that happened.

It just got so much worse from there. And yeah, Ketamine can help anxiety a little bit, but I still struggle with it today. And this has been a completely new world for me to navigate. Because I have honestly never had a hard time talking to people. I can talk to people all day.

I mean, it's just been something that I've always loved. Maybe that's why I love doing sports because it was always a team effort. It was always kind of a team activity where you were able to encourage each other and be built up and make friends. And that is why I also enjoyed cheer. I mean, cheer was something that was super, super extroverted.

I mean, you're literally you go to practice every single day after school. You learn a routine, and you're performing it usually the very next day, which was something really hard for me because I've always had really bad memory issues and a really hard time remembering things. So I was sitting there in class recording it. I would go home and practice for hours and hours and hours because, honestly, I'm not a naturally good dancer or anything like that. I mean, I didn't have any cheer experience when I tried out for the team.

Yeah, I know. I you could not swing that these days. I think most cheer teams are now competitive. But when I was in high school, the one I was on was not. And so I didn't have a fear of being of being like that.

I wasn't introverted. I was completely extroverted. I didn't have any fear in the way I was being perceived. I didn't have any fear of people's intentions towards me. I didn't fear the, I guess, authenticity of the people around me.

And it just went for a huge downhill swing. And with Caden's job, I mean, with door to door sales, especially when you're married. And when you when you know, your partner goes into a role of leadership, oftentimes, the spouse, the wife is expected to be right there next to them assisting in any way possible. For example, you know, you're trying to recruit teams. And a lot of times we would recruit other couples because that was just kind of the groups of people that we were hanging out with.

And I always wanted their spouse, I always wanted the woman to feel included. I always, you know, loved getting to know to know people genuinely, not because, you know, not because we were going to have these people on our team, and we were gonna be spending all summer with them. But I was genuinely excited to spend time with these people and with these women and to get to know them and to explore another state with them, you know, all summer long. Obviously, according to whatever their boundaries were, you know, I didn't expect everybody to just hang out with me all the time. I do appreciate alone time.

And I can be alone and be comfortable being alone. That's not something that I have had a difficulty I've never had a difficult time being by myself. I could keep myself entertained for days days days. But now, because I don't know, because of organizing activities and trying to help everyone feel included, constant hope of the fact that the constant hope of the fact that everybody else around me is taken care of, that they're secure, that they're happy. And that is a huge sense of I don't know, almost responsibility that I've taken upon myself.

And I can't say that that started in 2021. Because honestly, I've always been a caretaker of my siblings and in my family, being the oldest daughter, that was just always something that I did. But I feel like in 2021 was when I specifically I don't wanna say inherited or established. It just the anxiety just ramped up into a category I'd never felt of not really trusting other people anymore and not really knowing other people's motives, if that makes sense. And so this makes it really hard to make friends When you just don't when you don't know somebody, how are you supposed to know their their motives?

And how are you supposed to know the place that they're coming from is genuine? Well, you have to give them the benefit of the doubt, and I'm happy to do that. Right? And so I think that what it has come with is just an overwhelming feeling of dread for me. I don't know if this is making sense.

I've just been feeling dread getting to know people, not because of them, but because of me. You know, I felt things I felt anxiety about sharing anything about myself. And if if I don't know. It just feels really complex and difficult to explain. But even in my even in my pottery class, for example, yesterday, when I was in my pottery class, I find myself almost disassociating, because I feel so much anxiety in which I don't know why I'm feeling the anxiety.

I should be relaxing at this time. I should be enjoying what I'm doing. But I'm sitting there. I think really what it comes down to is I'm just being so self critical. And it should just be a place of excitement and possibilities and getting to know new people.

I mean, everybody in my class is so cool, so kind, and honestly, much more extroverted than my last pottery class. And so this these feelings, I know they're all just coming from within, which makes it even more frustrating. Because it's just been a rock in my world, you know. I've been a I've been wanting to avoid social situations and connecting with people. And don't worry, my therapist knows everything.

And I just wanted to share this because I feel like oftentimes, we can feel like we're going through these emotions alone. And so if you're out there and you've been having any type of feelings whatsoever, any type of mental health struggles or waves or things that you just can't make sense of, you're not alone, obviously. And yeah, because a lot of times it just doesn't make sense. That doesn't make sense. And I want it to make sense.

Because I keep thinking this shouldn't be how I feel. And so then I end up feeling shame in a very weird way. And shame is something that is just a whole other discussion. It's a whole other complex thing. And so a few of the things that I have been doing to help myself, or at least to I don't know, recognize what's going on and to honestly, yeah, just try to help myself and fix the situation is doing what I have dreadful feelings about as soon as possible in my days.

So I know this should be common sense. But usually, the first response that I have to my depression and anxiety is to do what? Well, avoid the things that bring me anxiety, or the things that I feel even worse about, right? So, for example, doing the opposite of this would be waking up really early. And I've been doing this.

I mean, I've been doing this. I've done it like 3 days in a row now. But waking up early is still a win because at the end of the day, even if I sleep bad, which my quality of sleep has been bad, then I usually want to sleep in, right? Sleeping in is kind of like, it's always been something that my depression has had a characteristic of of thinking, you know, I just need more sleep. I just need to sleep it off.

I just need to keep sleeping. And the thing is, is that the quality of sleep isn't gonna change whether I'm waking up at 6:30 or 9:30, so I might as well wake up. And the other thing I've been dreading are my workouts. Yeah, I know that I just barely told you that I've been feeling stronger and good about that and whatnot. But that's because that was like a good a good time where I was finally feeling strong because honestly, for months months now, I've just kind of been dreading the gym.

I've been dreading getting in my workouts. And if I don't have to think about my workout for the rest of the day, because I do it in the morning, then that's just such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I mean, obviously, right? But, yeah, for some reason, dreading working out, oh, my gosh, it's been such a surprise to me. And I've really disliked the feeling.

It's so weird. And, you know, I am excited for my progress strength wise. Do I feel strong now? No. But my mind naturally goes to what I look like at times.

Obviously. I mean, especially coming from the history that I have with food and whatnot. I have such high expectations of what I should look like all the time. And it just hasn't felt great because I have been purposefully building, right? So I've been eating more more calories, more proteins, specifically, it's been very intentional.

It hasn't been a bulk or build in gym terms that is just like a free for all, you know, where Oh, I'm bulking so I can just eat ice cream 5 times a week and count it as a build. No, I've been doing it very structured. And the thing is, is even though I know and I've been purposeful in what I've been doing, I feel so uncomfortable right now in my body. And that's okay. That's fine.

I know it's not always going to be something that I'm comfortable with. And I know that those thoughts come and go as they wish. You know, there will always be days where you're feeling good. There will always be days where maybe you're not feeling as good. I mean, I'm sure we've all seen those videos on or I mean, maybe not everybody has.

But I've seen these videos where it says when you see a Pilates girlie walking by and you're second guessing your whole your whole, lifestyle of lifting weights. Because, typically, if you're lifting weights, your goal is to change body composition. Right? I mean, okay, not for everybody. But that is the cool thing about it is that if you want to, you can target your muscles in your glutes, grow your glutes, your shoulders, grow your shoulders.

I mean, that's what the sport of bodybuilding is, is forming a very specific image. Oh, my gosh. So toxic is what it sounds like to me right now. But I'm not gonna be a hypocrite and say I won't ever do it again. So let's just get that out of the way.

The thing is, is for me, bodybuilding has been a way that I can maintain and have a surplus of calories and theoretically not freak out. You know what I mean? And theoretically have that balance because I know that you can't just be ripped all the time. You can't be in a deficit all the time. First of all, terrible for your hormones, terrible for your body, your reproductive system.

2nd of all, terrible for your mental health. It's just not a it's just not the way to live life. You know, if your dream body is a nightmare to maintain, it's not your dream body. And so being able to do bodybuilding has taught me that there are times where you need to maintain, times you need to have more body fat, times you need to build. And that has been good for me.

That's taught me more balance. Right? Even though it might not sound like it to you, it's kind of something that's hard to explain. But one of my goals has been to become an IFBB pro. In order to do this, I need so much more muscle.

And so I'm just barely coming out of a 7, 8 month bulk. And I just don't feel comfortable right now in the space that I'm in. And that's just honestly how it is. And I don't think it's fair to expect myself to feel good all the time. You know, I don't think it's fair to expect yourself to always be your looking, like, the top physique ever, ever.

I mean, we're always getting older. We're always changing. And the thing is, is this is the youngest and probably healthiest I will be for the rest of my life. You know what I'm saying? We're only gonna get older, there's only going to be more things that come up in life, whether it's diseases, or, you know, hopefully not.

Right? But all this to say is, I'm trying to be grateful for where I am at the moment, but it's hard because I just feel bulky. I feel, you know, I have I I've hopefully built up some muscle, but I do have, like, a good layer of fat on it. That just makes me feel not as stoked about about the bulk. And so, you know, I am excited to see my progress because I am now in like a small deficit.

And we're going to be doing this very slowly as to maintain as much muscle as possible. And so yeah, I've just I've been trying to not second guess my goals to become an IFPB pro. And, but I have been because in my mind, I'm thinking, if I come if I go through this next, cutting of calories, shedding of fat, whatever, phase, and if I still don't have enough muscle, I don't know if I want to keep building up that much muscle because I honestly don't know if I would like my physique, having as much muscle as it would need to be an IFBB pro. And so that is kind of why I'm second guessing my goals. But also I'm trying to recognize that while I'm in this headspace, I need to not just reassess every single goal and quit.

And so I'm sticking to the plan for now. And it's just we're just we're just trusting the plan. We're trusting it because I'm no longer bulking. So it's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine.

It's all mental, right? And so what I've been doing is the most basic piece of advice that you have heard a 1000 times to get yourself to the gym, and that is to set your workout clothes out before you go to bed. And, you know, whether you're mentally exhausted, no matter how much sleep you're getting or not getting, it is so hard to pick out outfits for working out, at least it is for me. That is one thing that weirdly enough, my anxiety has been like, really strong on is honestly just outfits. I've been having this weird thing where I have no idea what I like to wear.

I have no idea even what my style is. It's been weird. I mean, I understand that I'm in this huge transition phase right now because I just moved to the southeast. I've never been surrounded with kind of the melting pot of cultures that is Asheville, that is where we're living. Because here there's people from Florida, there's people from the northeast.

There's people from Texas and all of the southern states, but also some of the northeast states. And so there's not necessarily one type of style. And in Utah, oh, it's very straightforward what the style is. Right? And I feel like even though it was pretty straightforward, I was able to kind of pick and choose what I liked.

And I was able to then create it to be something unique for me. Not to say I have the most unique style in the world because I 100% will pick up on a trend if I like it. But I don't know. I feel like I'm more of a I'm totally getting off on this tangent. But street style is kind of what I have liked, and it's what I felt comfortable in, you know, kind of like baggy clothes, like pump cover 20 fourseven.

And then obviously, on vacation, it's a little bit more tank tops and skirts and fun things like that. But for the daily, I'm pretty comfortable wearing more just like baggy clothes, super casual and whatnot. But here, oh, my gosh, not you will not see one person. Not not one person dressing like that. And does that make it feel like I should change my outfits?

No, because I feel like then I can just kind of still I don't know, kind of dive into that more. But the thing is that I have to tell you, this is what is really being all this sounds so so small. Right? All of these things, these are not things that are contributing to my depression. These are just kind of things I've been anxious about is it's so hot here and it's so humid, which is crazy saying because I know that, you know, if you just go further south to Florida, it's even more humid.

And I know that I would just wither away while I floated up into the sun as particles of water because of how humid it is. But that being said, you cannot wear street style here. You cannot wear baggy clothes, baggy this, baggy that, because it is so hot and you'll simply melt. And I'm doing it anyway. For example, took crew on a 30 minute walk this morning, just in my normal clothes, and I just came home all sweaty.

It was so nice. But yeah. So I feel like I'm almost having this crisis of I don't know what to wear. I dislike styling my hair, how I have to style it here. I have to wear it curly, which is fine if I had, like, maybe a curly haircut or something.

But I just got bangs that need to be styled. I have bleach on my hair, which means that my curl patterns are interrupted. Long story short, after all this complaining for 5 minutes about clothing and hair and the heat, I don't enjoy anything that I'm wearing. I don't enjoy what I look like when I leave the house. I'm used to simply being able to do a blowout on my hair, and having it maintain that look for the rest of the day.

Because listen, if you're in Utah or Arizona or the West Coast, don't take it for granted. When you style your hair and you leave the house and it doesn't change. That is just so lucky. And I know that all these things are frivolous things. But I think that it's just kind of contributing to this weird sense of self that I feel like I'm not comfortable in right now.

And of course, it makes sense. I mean, I just moved across the country. And so you know, doing this huge transition. And so I need to give myself the benefit of the doubt, right? And that's something that I'm working on, but something that has just really helped kind of that anxiety and and whatnot of picking what to wear, and trying to make it to the gym.

I mean, if I'm already anxious about going to the gym, and then dude, that I have to pick out an outfit. Because my gym also doesn't have air conditioning and they open the doors half the time. I'm not even making this up. I wish I was making this up, but I'm not. And am I a bit dramatic because I am already warm blooded?

You already know this. Yes. So setting out clothes is just long story short, it takes away that decision making process in the morning and makes it so much easier to get you there. And, and so, yeah, I feel like, you know, even though my workouts are feeling daunting, It's okay. You know, I have to admit, I am very lucky that I don't know anybody at the gym and that nobody knows me.

Because thinking about having to do this and seeing just a high school reunion every time I work out, which is always how it is when I go back and visit home. It's so funny because it is always a high school reunion with the most random mix of people. It's hilarious. And so that is a good thing, because that's something that if you have to deal with or handle, you know what, you got this, you got this. Another thing I've been doing is to do my cardio before my workout.

And believe me, I know that that is not the most 100 percent 1000 percent efficient way to lift. Believe me, I know. In fact, I'm pretty sure in one of my gym episodes, I said always do your cardio after the workout. Because then you're able to lift as strong and as heavy as you can without any energy being depleted before your lift. Right?

But for me, it's been really helpful for me to be able to settle into the gym, and to have my mind become more present and to kind of have that 30 minutes, to have my anxieties kind of settle down a little bit, and to get into that headspace. And so if you feel like you can't get to the gym or the anxiety is so high, honestly, try that. And if it's still too much, then do an at home workout. Sue us for an at home workout, right? Or go on a walk.

Walking is amazing for us. And that's been something I don't ever want to do. But I'm doing it 2 times a day, in fact. Okay, so my third thing is right along with that, and it's getting outside. Sitting under the sun is so important for us.

And I've said it a 1000 times, but it's just a fact. And do I have any tips for my Arizona heat girlies? No, I don't. I'm so sorry. Because it's currently 1,000 percent humidity here, which is opposite of you guys.

But I hate going outside, you know, but walking, sitting on your patio, anything that you can do in the sun is so important. So that's just something that I try to keep in mind. And when it's an especially heavy day for me, one of them being this week, I looked outside and it was just pouring rain and I thought okay, Hannah, look at that. There's like a little bit of proof that you're not crazy for being sad. Like, there are reasons.

And I think writing those things down and journaling and kind of getting your thoughts outside of your head is another thing that's important. The next one is reading. And, you know, I did not say that these would be groundbreaking things that I'm doing. But it's weird because reading can just really help my brain slow down. And I'm not talking listening to an audiobook because listening to an audiobook allows me to do 5,000 other things around my house.

And that's what I need to stop doing is really just multitasking. That's not helpful. And so sitting down and reading has just really helped my brain slow down. Being in the worst headspace with 1,000 terrible thoughts floating around in my head. Well, reading a book or even listening to music seriously helps.

I don't know what it is. The Art of Distraction, may it be? I don't know, maybe. But I have also been reading about how I've been feeling and about similar experiences. And it's actually been really validating and it's made me feel a lot less alone.

I haven't been reading really very many self help books the last several years. Because, you know, I got it all in the back. You know, I already learned everything I needed to learn. Life is funny. Life is funny how I think this earlier this year, I said, Yeah, once you read one self help book, you've read them all.

But there's different types, right? And so here are a few books that I've bought recently, which I haven't started yet, but they're next on my list. And this one's called Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? By Julie Smith. And I'm sure you've seen her on social media.

She's a really experienced clinical psychologist. And so I'm just going to read you the description of what the book says. It says, This book is your mental health toolbox, filled to the brim with different tools for different challenges. Whatever it is you're facing, stress, anxiety, depression, lack of confidence, self criticism or grief, you will find ideas for processing how you're feeling, ways to get new perspectives and strategies to help you cope. These tools won't prevent life from throwing stuff at you, but they will help you navigate, swerve and pick yourself up to get back on track.

And the second book is called Not Nice by oh, my gosh. I'm not gonna be able to say his name right or their name right. Doctor. Aziz Gazipira. Yep.

Totally wrong. But that description says stop people pleasing, staying silent and feeling guilty, start speaking up, saying no, asking boldly and unapologetically being yourself. Because honestly, as much as I would like to think I'm a 100% bulletproof person, I know my flaws, and I think I honestly know them a little bit too well. And this is the root of a lot of my issues and thought patterns right now is that I'm having a hard time understanding myself. And I'm trying to figure out why.

You know, it feels that it feels like every single year, I will climb a really big hill, and something really hard will happen. And I'm able to overcome it, but then it just happens over and over again. And this has almost caused a lot of self doubt and almost an identity crisis. When in reality, it doesn't have to. And I know this isn't unique to just me.

Maybe you're listening to this thinking that I'm insane, and that's fine. But it's just a very weird space to be in. Because, you know, I want to validate myself, but I don't want to ruminate. I don't wanna ruminate on my issues. And I am in therapy, but I also have fears now surrounding therapy, almost feeling shame for talking about how I feel because I don't want to ruminate on it.

I don't want to worsen anything. I don't want to misinterpret situations. And I don't know, because it's just such a tricky line to balance. And, you know, it's my goal to essentially have a nervous system that is easily adaptable. I wanna be able to deal with stress better.

I want to be able to shift from stress to relaxing. And so I've also been doing EMDR, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing Therapy. Wow, big mouthful. But this can really help to alleviate the stress when it's done right. And the second type of therapy I've been doing instead of just talk therapy is called EFT, which is emotion focused therapy.

So instead of sitting there talking about all my problems, my therapist which is honestly still a fine thing to do, but my therapist asks me some questions. And then once I give my answer, she'll ask me how I feel and what I'm feeling. Because, honestly, I feel like when you're depressed, you almost try extra hard to repress your emotions. And at least for me, I've I've been repressing my emotions and feeling shame for how I feel. I mean, I'll be honest, I'm a super highly sensitive person.

And this has been a lifelong experience. And, you know, I cried I cried a lot when I was a kid. I had no fear of crying. And so much so as to where my dad told me once that if I kept crying so much, I would die from a heart attack. And that's saying a lot because my dad is a person who's always been able to freely show emotions, and that crying is okay and all that.

But let me just paint a picture for you. I cried so much growing up that one day when I was 8 years old, I was walking around my backyard with my friend. My best friend had moved away to North Carolina, actually, a few years before this. And so she was coming to visit. I was so excited.

I was showing her a backyard and how much it had changed since she had moved because back in the day life was so simple, where backyard updates were 1000% my whole world. And we had built a chicken coop in the back corner and I was raising chickens. And so I thought, you know what, I'm gonna go show her a chicken coop. And as I showed her the chicken coop, I walked up onto a log that was laying in front of it. And I was, like, this is our chicken coop, and this is our log, joking around.

Well, immediately immediately upon attempting to step down from this log, my foot got caught and I broke my arm. Wonderful. It was obviously painful. Right? And I was screaming.

I was screaming bloody murder. I was. And as I walked inside, I yelled, mom, I broke my arm. My mom didn't believe me. She didn't come out.

She she yelled back that I was fine. She was working in her office. And so I walked into the office where she was. And she knew the second that she saw me that I was telling the truth. So long story short, apparently crying wolf was something that I guess I was famous for as a kid because I was always highly emotional.

And it's almost developed to a point of almost feeling guilty for my emotions and trying to suppress that and coming to a point of feeling shame for that. And so, yeah, developing healthy strategies to be able to improve my emotional experience just going through life is the ultimate solution. And I'm not thinking about medication right now since I'm trying to tackle my ADHD with medication, and you don't really want to introduce, you know, lots of different things into your system at once. But, you know, obviously, putting in the reading and putting in all these things that I'm telling you with therapy and whatnot, the goal is to be able to achieve that solitude. But when times happen, because that's just how life is, I wanna be able to just really self regulate a lot better and with the brain that I have.

Because what I'm working with is what I'm working with, and it's just it is what it is. It might not be the same thing as half of these people. It might be similar to 10% of these people and 20% of these people. But I think just not feeling shame for these types of emotions are thing it's something it's a gift that we could just really give ourselves. And I know I'm stuttering a lot.

So if you're still with me, thanks for for staying through that, because it's something that's hard to kind of put into words. And I actually kind of wrote down things that I wanted to talk about yesterday and slept on it. And I woke up this morning and I thought, no, I'm not going to do that episode. I'm not going to talk about that. I don't want it to sound like I'm like, help, this is all about me, and I'm this and I'm that and feel bad for me.

Because that's not at all the space that I'm coming from. I just feel like having conversations is good. And yeah, like I was saying before, the goal is to feel that solitude again. And one way that I really do feel that a lot, or I can feel that is by looking back on my memories and feeling gratitude for them. I mean, I know gratitude is the height of it all.

Right? And that's why I love taking photos and videos. You know, I probably 95% of my views on my Reels on social media, which are only like 200 views, but still I'm 95% of them. Because for me, they just can really bring me down to a level of calmness. And, you know, pairing it with the music, I just, it brings me a sense of calm watching it back.

And can I just say also, that if you are looking at someone's page, and it doesn't bring you a sense of calmness or a sense of inspiration, if it makes you feel any type of negative emotion, whether it's sad, sadness or envy or jealousy, unfollow, block, delete or mute them? Okay? 10 years ago, it might have been stupid to say, you know, don't follow people if they don't bring you happiness. But 99% of the time, social media only shows the good times. Yes, we know that.

Of course, social media is quote unquote fake. I don't know if I would call it fake. I would just say that not everybody shares their entire life experience. I don't think people have to. Yes.

There are those wonderful examples of women who and men, I'm sure. I don't follow any men, but mostly just women that I've seen who aren't afraid to show the realities of life, whether that be mental health or postpartum or body image. But like I said, it's also not everybody's responsibility to talk on those matters. And so if you feel emotions that tend to make you feel negative about your life or your lifestyle, because of looking at someone else's social media, you have the privilege of the mute and or unfollow button. So use it.

I heard this quote the other day that said, this generation is a very sad generation with happy pictures. You know, you never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever know what's happening in somebody's real life. I mean, it's social media. We've we've talked about this on my social media episode in length, but your social media is for you. So post what makes you happy.

And at the same time, you know, if somebody else is getting jealous, that's their prerogative. And I don't feel like I need to say this because we are all grown adults here. But we could just, you know, if someone ends up on following you, you can't get offended. Because I would love to sit here and say that it's each of our responsibilities to be 100% open about our life and struggles and air it out on social media. But I don't believe that to be true.

I think that each person gets to choose their own boundaries for their social media. And so we just have to understand that everybody's doing that and you never ever, ever know what's actually happening under another person's roof in their mind, or the home that they came from. And I actually have a whole episode coming up on being misunderstood, on being afraid of being misinterpreted, of having people making assumptions of you. And you guys really shared some stories that are really good. So I'll be sharing that next week.

But I just feel like with what I said about, for example, my stuff, I am not sitting there on my personal account posting. Oh, yeah, today, I had this negative thought. And today, I had this negative thought. And this is something really hard happening in my family right now. And this is something really hard that I'm struggling with.

And it's not my responsibility to do that either. And so, of course, my page is highlights. Most people's pages are. And don't feel any shame if you have to protect your mental health. Maybe you're coming from a state of more of being more vulnerable to those emotions of jealousy and envy.

I mean, I've said it before. I don't follow I only follow I think 1 or 2 of those Hawaii mom, Utah Arizona mom influencers, because I would get so jealous. I would think, oh, my gosh, I want to be on a beach every single day, this and this and that. And it just got me thinking all these thoughts of, honestly, just not having so much gratitude for my own life. And so I just don't follow it.

And that's just a very, very, very simple solution to that, right? And that that's something that, you know, we are responsible for is finding those types of solutions. And so, yeah. Anyways, I don't know how I got on to that long tangent. But at the end of the day, I feel like the goal is always self acceptance, right, through every phase of life.

And it's to be comfortable in my own body and, honestly, to be able to relax. Because there isn't a time where I'm feeling super relaxed internally, even if I might look like I am externally. And so it's time I create that feeling. Maybe I need to visit one of those 13 libraries that are here because libraries are usually calm and peaceful places. Right?

But with self love, I feel like so many good things are able to enter our space in life. And I know that this is why exercise is so helpful because it requires discipline and discipline results in confidence. But that being said, there are times where you can have way too much discipline as to where you begin to be too harsh on yourself, as to where you think I should be further, I should be doing better. I should be having so much more success in life. And that's, you know, that's the side I've been trying to come back from is to not do that.

And I I know I already talked about this in one of my last episodes. But, yeah, that's kind of why I'm having a hard time thinking about doing a bodybuilding show or going for the IFBB pro status, because mentally, I'm just not there right now. I think that it is something that's potent that could potentially happen in the future. But I think that my discipline has almost come to a point of not being as healthy as it could be. And so I'm kind of trying to kind of trying to reel it in.

And I'm trying to adjust the expectations I have of myself. You know, on that episode, I'm not where I thought I'd be. I talked about that and how difficult it can be to have a vision of your life when you're 16 for your 25 year old self only to get here and wonder, okay, why am I still struggling? Why is life still hard? But I think that that's a huge fault of our society is setting us up when we are kids to believe that adults have everything together, that the world is here for our benefit, and it's gonna support us from the minute we leave our home because it just wants us to succeed.

Right? Well, then you throw in relationships and business and school and grocery shopping and politics and all the real world things that unfortunately have real impacts on our future. And it's like that quote, every day I wake up with wisdom that I needed to know yesterday. And I think the biggest thing we could learn and try to give ourselves is a bit of empathy and understanding and to be proud of ourselves for where we're standing today, even if, you know, I had some vision 10 years ago when I was 7 I actually didn't have this vision when I was 17 to become pro, but I did when I was 18. So I guess 9 years ago.

You know, a lot of times you don't have all the information at the time of life or about life or how life really is or things that are gonna happen. We don't know, and there's no way to know. And so talking to ourselves as if we're talking to our 5 year old version of ourself, you know, talking like I'm talking to a 5 year old Hannah or an 8 year old Hannah who just broke her arm, giving myself the benefit of the doubt and not making ourselves feel shameful. It's just something that I think about often, and I think that that can be something really healing. And yeah, so this was just really so many so many topics, so many emotions, so many things that I've talked about today about kind of what's been going on.

But thank you for listening. I hope that something resonated with you so that you can feel so that you can know that you're not alone at the end of the day. Because I think having conversations like this is important. And, you know, I'm not saying you have to publicly say anything in order to create any type of conversation or discussion around your mental health. But to be able to feel comfortable enough to reach out to a friend or a family member you trust is so important.

Because we're all having this human experience, and we should just really be proud of ourselves for being at the point that we are, no matter where you are in life, no matter what you're doing. You are important and who you are is something that we're always we're always, always discovering. And there really isn't a timeline for it. I don't believe that it ever ends. I don't believe that there will ever become a point where I'm like, yes, Hannah, we made it.

This is perfect. Now we can just stay here. You know, that'd be like hitting your dream physique, I guess, and then just being able to stop. That's just not how it works, because you would just go back to where you were before if you never moved your body again. And so it's just a constant it's just a constant path of learning and growing, and it can feel tiring at times.

And I think I'm just tired right now. And that's okay. And we're allowing the space for that to be what it is. And so here's your permission to do that for yourself too, if you've been needing that. But thank you so much for listening today.

I hope that you have a wonderful rest of your day, and I'll see you next time. Bye.